Archive for July, 2014

Ask A Feminist: Is BDSM Inherently Misogynist?

Posted: July 15, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

I am not entirely sure how it happened, but somehow the majority of the people I follow on the Tumblr platform are women who post a lot about gender issues. This has given me the opportunity to hear a lot more about the subject than I had in the past.

Often, however, when I attempt to engage with questions or disagreement, I am attacked for my participation in BDSM and told that my participation in the discussion is not welcome.

I am sensitive to the fact that, as a male, I am not in a position to assert any sort of authority on gender equality. But to be excluded solely for my private sexual preferences or interests is unreasonable and, in my opinion, inconsistent with the tenants of feminism, which generally seeks to empower women to make their own decisions, especially when it comes to their body, including the choice to give that control to someone else if they wish.

But don’t take it from me. Here is a post that articulates it very well.

The Belle Jar

Q: What is your opinion on BDSM? Obviously people should be free do to whatever they want in the privacy of their bedrooms… but don’t you get suspicious when guys nonchalantly admits to enjoy getting off at the thought of humiliating and/or beating  a woman? Doesn’t it sound like they’re reinforcing negative stereotypes that are already omnipresent in our society, only in this case they can get away with it because it’s – supposedly – a consensual fantasy? Is it just a fantasy, after all? Do fantasies happen in a vacuum? Aren’t there going to be ramifications? Where do they come from in the first place? We can criticize women’s portrayal in mainstream media, but we can’t do the same with BDSM? Why? As for female submissives… isn’t consenting to the re-enactment of abusive and exploitative scenarios a bit self-destructive? Or am I taking away women’s agency by pointing this…

View original post 883 more words

Yet Another Affirming/Transforming Thunder

Posted: July 14, 2014 by Isaac Cross in About Me, Events, Life Log

Thunder in the Mountains has this really unique way of simultaneously reassuring me that I am on the right path while also altering that path in significant ways. It’s a really weird phenomenon that I have never been able to figure out.

Usually, I have gone into Thunder with control over my play. There is at least one person who, generally speaking, is at my command and who I can do things to when I want to. This time, with both of my partners indisposed, I found myself with a completely open dance card for the first time ever at a convention. I filled one spot about two weeks in advance, planning a piercing scene for Saturday evening, and had a couple more on the fly Friday evening. Oddly enough, I think the relaxed nature of those scenes and the fact that little, if anything, was planned in advance really helped to make them all better. There have been times in the past where scenes set up ahead of time ended up with a lot of pressure on them to be awesome, which made it even worse when some of them had to be called off part way through. (more…)

No Monday Mailbag July 14

Posted: July 14, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

Because I was working at the conference this weekend. I didn’t have time to write up any responses this week.

However, if you have questions about kink conference, now would be a great time to ask them. I have from fresh stories that I can use for answers.

But your questions in the comments or submit through the “Contact Us” page.

We’ll see you next week right here.

In the mean time, I would like to invite you to take a look at, created by Stefanos and Shay. It is a very straight forward website with a ton of information about rope safety and technique. I highly recommend it. 

Attending Your First Kink Conference

Posted: July 10, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Events, Learn Something

The XCBDSM team is working hard to expand this site and make more education resources available within the kink community. 

Thunder in the Mountains is this weekend, and as I pack the last few things and get ready for the weekend, I thought I would give some tips to the first time convention-goer. On the Thunder website, there is also a list of “What To Expect” that was written specifically for Thunder, but in my experience, most of the list is applicable for any kink conference. (more…)

Mailbag Monday – July 7, 2014

Posted: July 7, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something

Here are some quick answers from to questions that I have received.

Or… In some cases, questions that someone asked in my general vicinity or somewhere on the internet. But I am answering them here, because that’s where I am.

The questions have been paraphrased or otherwise edited down to the essential details. (more…)

Cross on ModernPoly

Posted: July 3, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something
Tags: ,

Exciting news. Just as we are adding a new author here at XCBDSM, one of our own authors is contributing elsewhere as well.

The summer web series on Modern Poly features an article by Cross about raising children in poly households.

Here’s the link.

And a short excerpt:

As Polyamory begins to come out of the shadows and expose itself to the general public via increasingly open and “out” participants in the media, practical concerns about these relationships emerge. One common question is how these relationship dynamics affect children who are raised in polyamorous households.

We’ll Start With The Good News. 

Research performed by Elisabeth Sheff over a 15 year period, and detailed in her book, The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families, suggests that children raised in poly households tend to show positive outcomes. These include, but are not limited to:

  • Children have more individualized time with adults, which results in a stronger bond and a healthier parent-child relationship.
  • Children spend less time in day care because of the flexibility of having multiple caregivers at home. This has obvious and substantial benefits, not least of which is that day care is ridiculously expensive, so having to use it less or not at all means more resources available for other things like healthy food.
  • Greater diversity of talents and interests available from the adults help children appreciate and seek a wider variety of hobbies.”

Read the rest at

Cross will have more articles featured on ModernPoly in the future. We will continue to post the links here when they’re available.