Archive for the ‘Philosophy’ Category

On “Not Being Enough”

Posted: April 26, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy

I’ve always loved the idea of poly. I love that what you can’t give your partner another can and visa versa. I don’t believe that, that level of love can only exist for one person. That being said, I obviously haven’t gone poly yet for a reason. Like everyone, I have insecurities and I would say my biggest insecurity comes from not being good enough, be it sexually, emotionally, intimately, etc. Now, I know you don’t have to be the best to be good enough, but I think even with that knowledge I still have that mindset. I have to be so good that my partner does not desire anything I give them from any other person and I have to be good at everything, so there in nothing to seek in another person. What do i do?

I see this question a lot, or something like it, from folks new to poly and struggling with the emotions that brings. Mainstream culture teaches us that co-dependence is virtuous and that one person should be everything to their partners. So when a partner wants more than just you, it can feel like you are inadequate as a partner. But society’s emphasis on co-dependence is misguided.

The short answer is that you will be much happier (poly or not) if you recognize that you can be “enough” without being everything to them.

For me, I remind myself that my love for my partner means that I want them to be happy, even if that means that it’s not with me. Rather then working to make sure my partner(s) never looks at anyone else or feels good with anyone else, I encourage it as much as I can, while also working to make sure that I am always worthy of them, that I am the best version of me that I can be. Then either they continue to choose me, and I can be completely secure in that love because I know that nothing is forcing them to stay, or they leave and I know that it was not my fault, that I did the best I could, but apparently we weren’t a good fit for each other.

Either way, I never spend a single drop of energy trying to protect a relationship. I protect people. I work to make my partners happy. But if either of us is not happy, the relationship either needs to change or end, and you can either be proactive about it and hopefully continue liking each other enough to still be at least friends, or you can resist it and end up hating each other.

If you read More Than Two (And I hope that you do), one of the things you will read is “The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship.” That sentence is the center of my approach to poly.

No one can be everything to anyone. That’s why we all need friends and hobbies and all of the other people that make up our world. You would never tell your partner that you don’t want them to have friends or rely on their family for support in the name of you being everything to them. You wouldn’t consider it an inadequacy on your part if they wanted to talk to their sibling about old family problems instead of you. So why would it be so different for them to seek out another’s intimacy?

Don’t look at it from the perspective of you being “enough” for them or not. Because there isn’t a person in this world that can ever have “enough” love. We all need more.

Instead, look at it from a perspective of abundance. The world is full of people. Each one is a different flavor. When someone wants strawberry ice cream, it’s not because chocolate isn’t good enough to fulfill their needs. They just like strawberry too and they like something different now and then. But chocolate is still delicious and if they have enough money, they might even just want to have both.

Or to put it another way. One partner might be coffee, while another is wine. Both are very important, but they both serve very different needs. If either tried to serve in place of the other, it would fail, because they are essentially different. Where one partner might encourage me to think big and reach for the stars, another might keep be grounded and remind me to be realistic. I really, truly NEED both.

If you aren’t enough, if you aren’t worth it, they won’t be with you at all. If they have every flavor in the world to choose from and they still want to spend time with you, that means something. And to me, it means a lot more if there is absolutely nothing forcing them to be there. I want to feel my partners pick me (Even if I share the cup with other flavors of ice cream). Because being chosen feels good, especially when you know it’s not out of loneliness or desperation. My closest partner has several other partners. She would not be alone without me, which gives me comfort if something were to ever happen to me. But it also tells me that the time she gives to me is truly her desire, that I am important to her.

And to me, nothing feels better than that. And in my experience, you can’t get that in monogamy.

I Am A BDSM Minimalist

Posted: March 29, 2017 by ErisM in Learn Something, Philosophy

I’m a BDSM minimalist. My play isn’t flashy, I don’t have a rolling castle full of whips and chains that I drag to each kink event. I find beauty in simplicity.

The term came up organically with another presenter at Rome BDSM Conference, because that is always how magic happens. Get a few weird-ass kinky creative people together and the terms start rolling.  I had an interview with Desade Magazine at the end of the weekend (when I was tired, hair pulled back and a few stumbling steps away from my flight back home) that was an “aha” moment where I described in detail how I do kink. (more…)

Someone posted this question for debate recently:

Please only answer if you’re polyamorus.
When negotiating alone time with a partner who has another partner, do you:
A-talk to them directly
B- talk to their other partner
C-both a and b
D- other (explain below)

This was my answer: (more…)

Get What You Want/Need/Deserve…

Posted: March 15, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy

When counseling people who are struggling with the behavior of their partners, I always default to something that someone told me a long time ago, in a completely unrelated context (business), but it is something that I use as the core of my relationship philosophy:

“You will never get what you deserve. You will never get what you want. You will never get what you need. You will only ever get what you negotiate for.”

When you assume a standard of conduct or manufacture a set of expectations for your partner without talking to them, regardless of why you assume or expect those things, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If it’s important to you that your partners do certain things, you have to ask them and get their agreement.

No one owes you anything except what they have agreed to. All of that baggage you have in your head that defines what a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/etc SHOULD do is all imaginary, and the other person can’t see it.

If it’s important to you, talk to them about it. If you are important to them, they will listen. You may not be able to get everything you want/need/deserve. But you will get more than if you say nothing.

What Does Education Mean To Me?

Posted: February 6, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Learn Something, Philosophy

8-point-star FullColor and Text

A few months ago, I published the culmination of many years of work, detailing my core beliefs and guiding principles. I said, then, that I was going to expand on each of the items listed there and it’s time to start working on that. I will be posting a long series of posts talking about the central values and ideals that I try to live by.

EDUCATION - 1

Principle: I will willingly share my skills, knowledge, and experience with others.

(more…)

Why Do We Kink?

Posted: January 9, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Learn Something, Philosophy

I have been involved in the public kink community now for about 11 years. In that time, I have spent countless hours discussing and debating the nature of what it is that we do, and why it is that we do it. And I have found that there are, generally, a few group of viewpoints on the subject. Many people are a mix of more than one of these. (more…)

Over this last weekend, I had the opportunity to address the Rocky Mountain Rebellion Convention in Salt Lake City. The theme of the event was “Rebelling Against Shame”. Below is the content of that speech, as well as some additional information.

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[Full Text of Speech]

I joined the kink community on July 16, 2006. In the years since, I have lost track of the many parties, classes and social events that I have attended, but I do know that this is my 26th conference. In that time, many dates stand out, but few more than an evening in November of 2013 when I received a call telling me that a friend in the community had committed suicide.

Across the US, in any given year, 1 in 4 adults will struggle with a mental health problem, but because of stigma, lack of availability, and other factors, only a small percentage will seek help. The good news is research tells us that the prevalence of these issues in the kink community are lower than the general public. However, when people in the kink community do face a mental health challenge, they are far less likely to seek help, largely because they do not believe that their lifestyle will be understood or respected.

In culturally isolated communities like ours, SHAME LITERALLY TAKES LIVES.

That’s why I wear a pin on my vest for suicide awareness and prevention. It’s why our organization in Colorado is working with the NCSF and supporting their Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) list, and it’s why I have spent a huge amount of my time for the last year working to train individuals within the community to recognize the signs of a mental health problem or crisis and offer appropriate assistance. Because in a community like ours, no one should ever have to make or receive that phone call.

The National Behavioral Healthcare Council has set the goal of reaching one million people trained in Mental Health First Aid by the year 2020. I am personally working to see that at least one thousand of those are people within the kink community.

You can help by going to MentalHealthFirstAid.org and finding a class near you. If there isn’t a class near you, CALL ME and I will come and facilitate one.

For everyone who has been lost and for everyone who can still be helped, please do your part.

Thank you.

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National Mental Health First Aid
Utah Suicide Prevention Coalition
MHFA Colorado

The other States in the Rocky Mountain region (Idaho, Wyoming, and Montana) currently do not have a dedicated site for information on local classes. If you live in those states, or any other in the country, you can visit the national website so search for a class near you.

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I am a certified Mental Health First Aid Instructor. I am authorized to provide this training anywhere in the United States. If you would like to organize a MHFA training for your area, please feel free to contact me.

XCBDSM@gmail.com

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Thank you to all who approached me after the speech offering resources, connections and assistance. I hope to be in contact with you all soon. If you don’t hear from me, please reach out to me.