Archive for the ‘Philosophy’ Category

Do poly? or BE poly?

Posted: June 8, 2017 by Isaac Cross in About Me, Learn Something, Life Log, Philosophy

Someone in a poly group asked this question:

Who preferes saying they are
doing poly or
being poly,
and why?

I personally prefer ‘doing’, as it feels more like a choice.

It’s never felt like a choice for me.

In my teen years, coming of age, I was aware enough to realize that I wasn’t oriented to monogamy the way others were. No matter how much I cared about someone, I never stopped seeing others. No matter how much I loved a person, it wasn’t enough to make me willing to pass up opportunities to connect with other people and know them, too.

So I decided that I would just never allow myself to have deep relationships, because I wouldn’t be able to do that without hurting the people I cared about, because no matter how good they were, they would never be “enough” for me and I couldn’t keep doing that to them.

That was a deeply painful and isolating time for me.

Then I met someone who felt the same way and we negotiated a non-monogamous relationship before either of us knew that anyone else did that, before we knew that “poly” was a thing or that there was a community and books and etiquette.

I have always BEEN polyamorous. And I always will be. It’s not a choice. It’s the only way I can be.

Sometimes Poly Doesn’t…

Posted: May 12, 2017 by Jordyn in Learn Something, Philosophy

Sometimes Poly Doesn’t… by Jordyn Amstutz (XCBDSM Contributor and Instructor)

Poly doesn’t always feel nice.

And that’s ok.

Sometimes… Poly is watching your partner get their needs that match yours met with someone else.

Sometimes poly is having to accept less, instead of all.

Sometimes poly is, I hate this, but you don’t need my permission to do it anyway.

Sometimes poly is burning. Sitting in your room, your house, alone, burning with all the emotions and there is no one to put you out except yourself. And sometimes, you’re not enough of a firefighter.

(more…)

Guest Post: Exploring Fears

Posted: May 2, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Guest Posts, Learn Something, Philosophy

Editor’s Note: Today’s guest post comes to us from Natalia Sombra of South Florida. We met at the Beyond Leather convention in Ft. Lauderdale. I loved this piece she wrote about an experience she had over the weekend and asked to share it with you all. +Isaac


This weekend at Beyond Leather I had the enormous privilege to meet wonderful new people, build stronger bonds within current friendships and overall have a shit load of fun. (One metric shit load is an actual unit of measurement equal to 1/2 of one metric fuck ton)

For anyone who knows me well enough, they know that I like to explore forms of play I intend to do as a Dominant in a scene by getting a little taste of it myself.
However there is one form of play I hadn’t bottomed for that I really enjoy and I had the opportunity to do so this weekend.

Enter, I head on confronted my fear of being stuck with needles and was reminded of the overwhelming effects complete vulnerability can have on ones mind and emotions. (more…)

On “Not Being Enough”

Posted: April 26, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy

I’ve always loved the idea of poly. I love that what you can’t give your partner another can and visa versa. I don’t believe that, that level of love can only exist for one person. That being said, I obviously haven’t gone poly yet for a reason. Like everyone, I have insecurities and I would say my biggest insecurity comes from not being good enough, be it sexually, emotionally, intimately, etc. Now, I know you don’t have to be the best to be good enough, but I think even with that knowledge I still have that mindset. I have to be so good that my partner does not desire anything I give them from any other person and I have to be good at everything, so there in nothing to seek in another person. What do i do?

I see this question a lot, or something like it, from folks new to poly and struggling with the emotions that brings. Mainstream culture teaches us that co-dependence is virtuous and that one person should be everything to their partners. So when a partner wants more than just you, it can feel like you are inadequate as a partner. But society’s emphasis on co-dependence is misguided.

The short answer is that you will be much happier (poly or not) if you recognize that you can be “enough” without being everything to them. (more…)

I Am A BDSM Minimalist

Posted: March 29, 2017 by ErisM in Learn Something, Philosophy

I’m a BDSM minimalist. My play isn’t flashy, I don’t have a rolling castle full of whips and chains that I drag to each kink event. I find beauty in simplicity.

The term came up organically with another presenter at Rome BDSM Conference, because that is always how magic happens. Get a few weird-ass kinky creative people together and the terms start rolling.  I had an interview with Desade Magazine at the end of the weekend (when I was tired, hair pulled back and a few stumbling steps away from my flight back home) that was an “aha” moment where I described in detail how I do kink. (more…)

Someone posted this question for debate recently:

Please only answer if you’re polyamorus.
When negotiating alone time with a partner who has another partner, do you:
A-talk to them directly
B- talk to their other partner
C-both a and b
D- other (explain below)

This was my answer: (more…)

Get What You Want/Need/Deserve…

Posted: March 15, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy

When counseling people who are struggling with the behavior of their partners, I always default to something that someone told me a long time ago, in a completely unrelated context (business), but it is something that I use as the core of my relationship philosophy:

“You will never get what you deserve. You will never get what you want. You will never get what you need. You will only ever get what you negotiate for.”

When you assume a standard of conduct or manufacture a set of expectations for your partner without talking to them, regardless of why you assume or expect those things, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If it’s important to you that your partners do certain things, you have to ask them and get their agreement.

No one owes you anything except what they have agreed to. All of that baggage you have in your head that defines what a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/etc SHOULD do is all imaginary, and the other person can’t see it.

If it’s important to you, talk to them about it. If you are important to them, they will listen. You may not be able to get everything you want/need/deserve. But you will get more than if you say nothing.