Archive for December, 2015

Categorizing Human Relationships

Posted: December 29, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Life Log, Resources
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I am working on a project to try and come up with (either by finding it or creating it) a system for categorizing human relationships in a purely descriptive sense.

Previous attempts to classify or categorize human relationships have mostly focused on the personality of the individual, rather than the objective, observable details that make one relationship different from another. (See Bowlby 1969 & 1973, Ainsworth et al. 1978, Bretherton & Waters 1985, Hazan & Shaver 1987). However, some have attempted to address these more descriptive differences. (See Kelley et al. 1983, Hendrick & Hendrick 1986) But those focused solely on romantic or sexual relationships.

One of the best attempts on the subject that I have found is Kayser, Schwinger, & Cohen (1984) which examined loving relationships, friendships, and work relationships separately.

Foa and Foa’s “Resource Theory” developed in the early 1990’s has a lot of promise, and I may start there. (The theory is that we fundamentally exchange 6 types of resources: love, status, service, information, goods, money. These types of resources vary by the degree of their concreteness/abstractness and by the degree of their unversalisticness/particularlisticness. If a type of resource is universalistic, it means that it maintains the same value regardless who the giver is. Likewise, it is considered as particularlistic if its value depends on who gave the resource.)

Many of these relationship models fail to consider a broader view of relationships. While the discussion of the exchange of status and service in the context of a romantic relationship can be easily tweaked to address D/s dynamics, but the question of an open vs closed relationship is somewhat more difficult to address, especially when love is considered a resource/commodotiy, and therefore is finite or zero-sum like goods or money.

Previous research aside, I am bouncing back and forth between how an categorization system should be approached. Should it be taxonomic (like how we organize species of lifeforms) or should it be more like computer specs, with each feature being independent of each other one?

I would be curious to know if any readers have ideas? Either for places to go for research or an idea for how to approach the problem? I’ll probably be working on this for a while.

Your “Protector” Is Hurting You

Posted: December 28, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized
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Note: I shouldn’t have to say this, but this is obviously just one person’s opinion. The following is based on my observations of the community over the last decade. If it doesn’t match your opinion or your perspective, that is totally ok. I am happy to discuss and even debate in the comments, but non-constructive comments will absolutely be deleted without hesitation. This is a tricky subject and tends to bring out emotions in people. That’s fine, but if you make it personal, you’re gone.

X-Posted Here on Fetlife. I highly recommend checking out the fetlife post, as there is a long string of responses and conversation that I think is very valuable.

TL/DR: If you have a protector listed on your Fetlife profile, you should expect to be (rightfully) ignored by a large portion of the community, who wants nothing to do with you or your protector. You will find yourself struggling more than necessary to find a good partner, no matter how many personal ads you post or how nice you are at parties. In fact, many people will purposefully avoid you.

image20151228-2255-jcfgr7I am sorry if that sounds harsh or judgmental, but it is simply the truth as I have observed it. And I am FAR from being the only one who thinks so. (more…)

Kinky Poly Is Great! (Except When It Sucks)

Posted: December 23, 2015 by Jordyn in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy, Technique
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Editors Note: For more on this subject, check out the book Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic by Raven Kaldera

I love being poly. It is intrinsic to who I am- it’s as much a part of my sexual identity as being pansexual or kinky. It’s great, it’s awesome, it’s the best thing since sliced bread (which, admittedly, is not that much of a game-changer in my life). So maybe it’s better than sliced bread.

But. All that said- it’s still really fucking hard. Throw in a D/s dynamic on top of that, and things get real weird in a hurry.

Despite a thorough search, I have been unable to identify the author of this image. Any help is appreciated.

(more…)

My Core Beliefs and Guiding Principles

Posted: December 9, 2015 by Isaac Cross in About Me, Learn Something, Life Log, Philosophy
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I have been working on this collection of ideas for many years, tweaking and drawing from various sources, trying to come up with a compact set of statements that accurately describes my approach to BDSM (and most of the rest of my life, as well). Over the next few months, I hope to write in more detail about what each of these things means to me and how they are applied in my life. It is always a work in progress, I evolve and adapt my views constantly. These tenants are goals which I strive for in pursuit, not of unattainable perfection, but of excellence.

Core Beliefs

  • Participants in BDSM have a responsibility to honor the work of those who have journeyed before us while also choosing a path that is right for ourselves
  • Consent is the critical foundation of all participation in BDSM and power exchange.
  • Consent is dependent on honesty, integrity, knowledge, and experience.
  • Consent requires emotional maturity and mental stability.
  • Power exchange dynamics, friendship, BDSM play, and sexuality are distinct bonds. While they can be interwoven, a fulfilling connection between individuals can include any combination thereof.
  • Real power exchange relationships must be based in reality, and not fantasy or works of fiction.
  • A person deserves dedication, devotion and loyalty from those they associate with.
  • The expectation of obedience requires consistent, thoughtful, intelligent, and empathetic command.
  • Authority is drawn, initially, from the consent of the servant but must be sustained by the character of those they serve.
  • A person should strive to be ever-worthy of their partners and never allow commitment to excuse complacency.

Guiding Principles

8-point-star FullColor and Text

Honor

Principle: I will conduct myself at all times and in all situations with honesty, fairness and consistency.

Integrity

Principle: I will strive to live as a whole and integrated person, free of duplicity, and comfortable in my own skin.

Authenticity

Principle: I will represent myself truthfully at all times.

  • I will be truthful regarding my origin and background.
  • I will be truthful regarding the source of my knowledge or ideas.
  • I will be truthful in the portrayal of my personality and desires.
  • I will be truthful with my affection and devotion.
  • I will be truthful regarding my plans and goals.

Loyalty

Principle: I will act with loyalty to the community and individuals that I associate with.

  • I will guard carefully the privileged knowledge that others may choose to share with me and keep such information in the strictest confidence.
  • I will treat others with respect and dignity, even when they are not present
  • I will encourage others to bring complaints or concerns to the attention of the offending individual, organization, or other proper authority, and will not entertain their complaints or gossip myself except to offer support, advice, or guidance, if requested.
  • I will make others aware of any individual who openly expresses hostility or animosity towards them.

Growth

Principle: I will always endeavor to improve myself and my abilities.

  • I will watch for and actively pursue opportunities to develop new or existing skills, both within kink and outside of it.
  • I will seek the council of others when faced with personal dilemmas or challenges.
  • I will honestly and accurately assess my own weaknesses and work to reduce or eliminate them.
  • I will approach failure as an opportunity to learn and improve.

Discipline

Principle: I will not allow my ability to maintain self-control to be impaired.

  • I will not allow sudden emotions to dictate my actions or choices.
  • I will monitor myself for destructive behavior which is habitual or impulsive in nature and will take steps to correct it.
  • Use of mind-altering substances will not be permitted to interfere with my health, my responsibilities, or my ability to adhere to these principles.

Education

Principle: I will willingly share my skills, knowledge, and experience with others.

Service

Principle: Regardless of my role in my relationships, my community, or my society, I will pursue a path of service.

Significant influences for this writing include Master Jack McGeorge, Master Skip Chasey, and Master Obsidian.

A Quarter-Million Views

Posted: December 2, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized
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250000-page-views

Sometime earlier today, we passed 250,000 page views. Over half of those page views (about 140k) were in 2015. We’ve had more visitors this year than the 4.5 years before.

We greatly appreciate those that have shared our content, contributed writings, and helped us review products from around the web.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all of your support.

  • Isaac Cross

Kinky Amazon

Posted: December 2, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized
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A while back, I wrote a guide to buying inexpensive kink toys on Amazon. A lot of people have used that guide since then, but I have also received questions about what else can be found on Amazon. Last time, I told you where to find the cheap stuff, but is there quality gear on Amazon, too? (more…)

Cheap Balls at Stockroom

Posted: December 1, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Reviews, Reviews (Product)
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Normally, I don’t spend a lot of time here trying to sell other people’s stuff for them, but as we wrote in march, the magnetic nipple balls from Stockroom.com are awesome.

AND THEY ARE ON SALE RIGHT NOW!!!

Normally, they are $23 for the regular size and $34 for the “HD” (larger size). But during the sale this week, they are just $15.49 & $22.10 respectively.

This is a great price on a product we use all the time, so I had to share that with you all. You may now return to your day.