Video  —  Posted: February 16, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Art

 

UPCOMING ONLINE CLASSES


XCBDSM is THRILLED to announce that we are now offering online webinars of select workshops.

We will be posting them here, as they become available, as well as across all social media platforms.

You can see a list of offered classes anytime by clicking the image.

Or you can subscribe to our email list to receive invites to classes as they are posted.

We are also offering two options for community groups and venues.

Webcast Public Classes

If you would like to host an event locally to view and participate in one or more of our classes, we will be happy to work with you to set that up. In general, we ask that proper video and audio are available for the number of people who will be attending, and that an experienced organizer be in charge of operating the computer during the class in order to pass on questions from the group or lead any breakout discussions during the workshop.

The group registration in online classes is generally cost effective for groups of 10 or more.

Contact us for more information

Custom Private Classes

If you are a community group or venue that would love to have live education from an international sex and kink educator, but can’t afford the cost of flying one in, XCBDSM will work with your group to set up custom private online webinars streamed into your venue. In addition to our core faculty of world-class educators, we also work with a number of other presenters around the country to arrange these events, as well. So if there is a Presenter you’ve always wanted to see, but couldn’t afford to host, let us know and we’ll work with you to arrange it.

Custom private classes are generally cost effective for groups of at least 20-30, but we can work with smaller groups, as well.

Contact us for more information

Is Your “Preference” a Prejudice?

Posted: August 20, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

A quick guide:

Perfectly Acceptable:
Dating only the people you happen to be attracted to

Not Wrong, but Probably a Sign of Conscious or Unconscious Bias and Prejudice that is Worth Examining for Yourself:
Quietly filtering out whole demographics of people, in advance, from your dating pool and telling yourself it’s just a “preference”. (E.g. Trans people, black people, low IQ, ETC)

Bigoted and Problematic:
Loudly advertising those “preferences” in order to prevent one of the untouchables from mistakenly interacting with you under the misguided assumption that their “type” is worthy of a conversation or consideration.

A Defense of Hedonistic Kink (Rough Take)

Posted: August 11, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

This “Rough Take” post has been published without review, editing, or revision. Rough Take posts are designed to communicate thoughts and ideas that haven’t been fully developed in order to spark discussion and responses which may fuel later, more refined articles. 


What is Hedonism

Hedonism is an ethical theory that pleasure (we’ll define what we mean by pleasure in a minute) is the highest good and proper aim of human life.

In the more casual usage, hedonism means indulging in the senses. People use it to describe those who are unashamed of their love of food and music and sex and aroma and everything else that feels good.

And hedonism gets a bad rap.

The primary objection relates to the first, more formal definition. Of course there are other sources of meaning and other worthy pursuits in life besides just feeling good as often as possible. Living in the moment, achieving meaningful accomplishments, mastery of skills, preservation of knowledge. Any number of things can be a source of meaning and fulfillment. So that criticism is valid. (Google Robert Nozick’s experience machine thought-experiment for more on that)

But lets never mind the formal definition and focus on the other, most common use of the word. When we leave the formal definition behind, we no longer have to defend the position that pleasure is the only or at least the most important goal in life.

Instead, the modern hedonist says that we should strive first and foremost for pleasure, as did their predecessors, but with an additional emphasis on personal freedom and equality.

And for the average person ascribing to hedonism, this could result any any one of a variety of lifestyles. But I want to talk about the path that might lead one to kink and BDSM. And I want to talk about the derision that hedonistic kinksters face in a BDSM/Leather community that so often (and so ironically) emphasizes formality and rigidity and conformity. Read the rest of this entry »

Nine Years

Posted: April 8, 2019 by Isaac Cross in About Me, Life Log

I don’t have it on the calendar or anything, but when I logged on today, WordPress reminded me that I launched this site in April of 2010.

We’ve grown from having a few hundred views a month to nearly 200,000 last year. We’re on track to clear over a quarter-million views this year.

There are several of our pages that are the number 1 Google result on their respective subjects and everyday, the page is linked to from dozens of other sites, shared across social media platforms, and our work has even referenced in a few print publications and scholarly articles.

Your support over the years has meant a lot and we can’t wait to share with you what’s coming next.

  • Isaac

Own You Existence (Rough Take)

Posted: February 24, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Rough Take

This “Rough Take” post has been published without review, editing, or revision. Rough Take posts are designed to communicate thoughts and ideas that haven’t been fully developed in order to spark discussion and responses which may fuel later, more refined articles. 


How do we change our partners when they don’t want to change? How do we get what we want from them when they aren’t willing to give it? The quick answer is, you can’t. Read the rest of this entry »

Primary Rights Don’t Exist

Posted: February 17, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

In a poly group, a person posted asking [paraphrased] “if I’m the primary, shouldn’t I have the right to sex without a condom instead of other people.”

A discussion ensued debating whether the primary is entitled to that specific right or what the specific wording of their negotiated rule was, etc.

My response was:

First of all, if your main concern is sexual health, then you should use condoms with everyone, including your primary. If you are willing to do something less than that, then you’ve decided you happiness is more important that sexual health and that’s the standard you’ve established.

Second, y’all talk about “primary” like it’s a real thing with defined “rights”.

It isn’t.

It’s something a bunch of people made up so that they were allowed to go have outside sex but still keep control over their partner. So they didn’t have to deal with the obvious insecurity and lack of trust in their relationship.

Because if your relationship is solid, you trust each other, and you respect each other, then you don’t need primary rights, rules, or restrictions.

If you find yourself asking questions about what you are entitled to as a primary, it’s a great sign that their are much deeper problems with your relationship that you should probably resolve before bleeding your problems onto innocent and unsuspecting outside partners.

You have a right to say “if you have unprotected sex with others, then you may not have unprotected sex with me”.

You have a right to say, “having unprotected sex with you is important to me, so please don’t compromise that.”

You do not have the right to tell them how they are allowed to have sex with others just because you met them first.

If they agree to a “rule”, they have the right to revoke their agreement or renegotiate it whenever they want.

If they break it without telling you, that’s a problem, especially if it’s something that could compromise your safety. But I didn’t see anything in this discussion that implied that’s what happened.

Instead, it sounds like someone decided to reassert their control over their own body and the OP is upset because they think they own that part of him now.

But they don’t.

So they should either accept that and talk to them like an autonomous adult to find way forward that will make both of you happy or leave and find someone so insecure that they will do anything to appease you, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness or the right to control their own body.

But the TLDR is that there is no such thing as primary rights. It’s not a real thing.

So the basic answer to the original post is just a simple “NO”.

(The following is the keynote address delivered at the Leather Fiesta conference in Albuquerque, New Mexico on November 11, 2018)
© Isaac Cross XCBDSM@GMAIL.COM

Here’s a challenge: I want you to believe what I am about to tell you. Not just hear it, not just understand it, but believe it. It’s a fact that you already know to be true, but have never been able to fully accept, and it’s this: you are going to die. You, the person listening to me right now, are going to die.

It’s difficult even to imagine, isn’t it? Take a moment and try to picture what it’s like to not exist. You can’t do it. You’re Imagining darkness, black. But there will be no black. There will be no color because there will be no you to perceive it. And your mind recoils from that idea. It’s basically unable to conceive of its own nonexistence. So, it concludes that it is impossible, that you’ll live forever. But you won’t. All things end. All motion slows. All heat becomes cold. Life is an eddy in that current of entropy. A brief chemical reaction that lights up the darkness and then, it’s fuel spent, dissipates back to nothing. Just like you will.

Your body is a marvelous and intricate machine, built out of millions of interconnected, fragile systems. And as you age, each begins to slowly but surely deteriorate and break down. When one fails, a doctor may be able to repair it, but at some point, there will be too many interlocking failures to proceed. And like a cascade of dominoes, your joints, your eyes, your heart, your lungs, your memory, your entire body will fail. It will happen. And while it is difficult to hear this truth, it is essential that you accept it. Because every second that goes by in which you don’t is a second of your precious and finite life that you risk wasting.

So I’m Going to say this one more time, and this time, try as hard as you can to believe me. You, yes you, will die, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Read the rest of this entry »