Archive for the ‘Resources’ Category

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Categorizing Human Relationships

Posted: December 29, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Life Log, Resources

I am working on a project to try and come up with (either by finding it or creating it) a system for categorizing human relationships in a purely descriptive sense.

Previous attempts to classify or categorize human relationships have mostly focused on the personality of the individual, rather than the objective, observable details that make one relationship different from another. (See Bowlby 1969 & 1973, Ainsworth et al. 1978, Bretherton & Waters 1985, Hazan & Shaver 1987). However, some have attempted to address these more descriptive differences. (See Kelley et al. 1983, Hendrick & Hendrick 1986) But those focused solely on romantic or sexual relationships.

One of the best attempts on the subject that I have found is Kayser, Schwinger, & Cohen (1984) which examined loving relationships, friendships, and work relationships separately.

Foa and Foa’s “Resource Theory” developed in the early 1990’s has a lot of promise, and I may start there. (The theory is that we fundamentally exchange 6 types of resources: love, status, service, information, goods, money. These types of resources vary by the degree of their concreteness/abstractness and by the degree of their unversalisticness/particularlisticness. If a type of resource is universalistic, it means that it maintains the same value regardless who the giver is. Likewise, it is considered as particularlistic if its value depends on who gave the resource.)

Many of these relationship models fail to consider a broader view of relationships. While the discussion of the exchange of status and service in the context of a romantic relationship can be easily tweaked to address D/s dynamics, but the question of an open vs closed relationship is somewhat more difficult to address, especially when love is considered a resource/commodotiy, and therefore is finite or zero-sum like goods or money.

Previous research aside, I am bouncing back and forth between how an categorization system should be approached. Should it be taxonomic (like how we organize species of lifeforms) or should it be more like computer specs, with each feature being independent of each other one?

I would be curious to know if any readers have ideas? Either for places to go for research or an idea for how to approach the problem? I’ll probably be working on this for a while.

We’re Teaching in Denver Again in November

Posted: October 15, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Events, Resources

XCBDSM is pleased to team up with the Colorado Center for Alternative Lifestyles a two-day weekend intensive.

This weekend will offer over 12 hours of education, valuable to everyone involved with BDSM, regardless of role.

clickhereTickets (more…)

The ColoradoCAL Project, Officially Announced

Posted: March 30, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Resources

This weekend, the XCBDSM team was at Colorado Leather Fest. We were proud to be the corporate sponsor for the event, but we were there for another, much more exciting reason.

During the opening ceremonies Friday night, we made a big announcement about a new project that we have been working on for some time now.

For a while, we’ve been dropping hints all around the internet, but last Friday, we officially announced the project. (Click that link to read the text of the announcement)  (more…)

Big Announcement: Today’s Teaser

Posted: March 23, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Resources

This weekend, the XCBDSM team will be at Colorado Leather Fest. We are proud to be the corporate sponsor for the event, but we will be there for another reason, as well.

During the opening ceremonies Friday night, we will be making a big announcement about a new project that we have been working on for some time now.

For a while now, we’ve been dropping hints all around the internet, but today, we are releasing much more than just a quick tease. Plus, we’re giving you ways to follow along with all new updates as they become available.  (more…)

Someone recently asked me for advice on what they should buy as a new BDSM player. The person is in a rural area and doesn’t have access to a physical retail store and doesn’t have a lot of money to drop on toys from online shops when can be very expensive.

So I rounded up a few things on Amazon that you can get relatively cheap and easy to build your first starter kit.

Why Amazon? Well, you get some level of protection if the product is not delivered or not as advertised. The shipping is usually free, so long as you spend more than $25. It’s a little less shady than ebay or random websites. I like Amazon.

Bondage

What not to buy: Avoid anything with the word “Fantasy” in the title and under no circumstances buy anything labled with “50 Shades of Grey”. Chances are that this will be cheap material meant to give the appearance of bondage, but will probably break after a minimal amount of struggling. Avoid anything with velcro or snaps, too. Finally, while fake handcuffs are a part of a lot of people’s fantasies, they are also an easy way to get injuries. Even the fuzzy, friendly looking ones can be to tight, can put pressure on nerves and joints.

Instead, go for leather or canvass, something with buckles or locking pins. It’s quick, easy, durable, and reliable. Here are a few examples.

Expensive, heavy-duty leather cuffs

Cheaper leather cuffs – You may need to replace the chain with something from home depot for strength or, if you want more restriction, use a snap hook instead of a chain.

Middle ground, good quality leather cuffs – No chain, so you’ll need to get one elsewhere or use a snap hook.

If you don’t like leather and prefer something a little more gentle looking, try these corset-print cuffs from California Exotics.

Cuffs like those above are very efficient, quick in and quick out. But if you prefer to take your time, rope is the way a lot of people go. So the thing about rope, though, is that it is a skill. Tying wrong can cause a lot of problems. Start with some books. I have several recommendation on the Bookshelf Page.

After that, you want to make sure that you are using the right tools. All rope is not equal. The nylon stuff you buy at Walmart is slippery and stiff. Utility rope from the hardware store is scratchy and usually thin, so cutting off circulation is more likely.

Natural fiber rope intended for bondage is expensive, but is the absolute best. It is comfortable, flexible, and holds a knot like nothing else. Hemp is the most popular material, but bamboo, jute, and silk are all very common as well. There are lots of great brands out there. Expect to pay about $1 per foot. deGiotto Rope is a brand trusted by many, and you can get it in a variety of colors.

If you can’t spend that kind of money on really good, fancy rope, then the next best thing is MFP. It doesn’t hold a knot quite as well as hemp, but it is strong and soft. I usually buy my MFP rope from RainbowRope.com, but if you want to bundle it into your Amazon order, you can get it here. I recommend 1/4 inch thick for wrists and ankles, 3/8 inch for full body harnesses or waist bondage. It’s available in all sorts of colors, even glow in the dark. When tying with rope, always have a pair of trauma sheers or a rescue hook in case you need to get them out quickly.

Things To Hit People With

Floggers are the most popular impact toy. They are also some of the most difficult products to determine quality for. Cheap products like these are very common. They are also very bad. The craftsmanship, the materials, and the just about everything else about them are very poor.

Look for floggers that are made from full-grain leather, meaning one side of the leather strips will be hard and shiny and the other side will be soft like suede. Here is an example. Good leather floggers can be expensive. But they will also last forever. Cheaper products fall apart after just a little use. However, there are some options.

Floggers made with chain or chain-mail are incredibly painful, but are less expensive. Suede floggers like this and this make a good, less-expensive substitute, but the important thing to remember is that suede cannot be thoroughly cleaned the way that full-grain leather can, so you may need to replace it when it gets dingy and dirty.

Another popular impact toy is a paddle. Tantus has a line of absolutely amazing rubber paddles. They feel great and material is the most body-safe stuff on the planet. It can be washed, sterilized, and shared without worry. It is incredibly durable and is one of my favorite toys. But they are expensive, at about $50 a piece.

So instead, beginners who aren’t ready to invest that kind of money usually turn to either wood or leather. The thing to remember about both is that if they get blood or skin cells in them, they can’t ever be completely clean, so if you play really rough, you probably want to make that toy unique to your partner.

Wood paddles can range in price and style depending on what you want. But I like to tell people that a sturdy wooden spoon or spatula generally works just as well and is usually way cheaper. If you prefer leather, there are lots of options for that, too.

Another common tool of pain are sticks. Canes, crops, etc. On everything else, I have told you to avoid the cheap knockoffs, but actually with this one, I haven’t found many truly bad crops or canes. Some of them break, and slight variations in the size and material can change the sensation drastically. So unfortunately, it’s really difficult to give you advice and honestly, it’s just not a good product to buy online. The shipping will kill you. If you don’t have sex shops in your area, you might have access to a place that sells supplies for horses. You can get crops there. As for canes, they are just long sticks. Dowels, fiberglass rods, even pipes and poles can make good substitutes for the things that are marketed as BDSM tools. Buy local for this one.

Other Pain Toys

Nipple clamps are a favorite. They come in a variety of styles. Clover clamps are my favorite. There are also alligator clamps, tweezer clamps, vice clamps, and many more. You can find all sorts of variations. Some have weights, some vibrate, some have bells, some have decorations. All of them are super cheap and readily available online. There is no reason to pay $30-40 for this toy in a sex shop when you can easily find it for $10 on amazon. And, of course, you can also just buy a whole box of clothespins for a couple bucks.

Another great sensation is scratching. My scratchy claws are from Hammerfell Armory. They cost $150. Most people aren’t up for that. So some affordable options include things like this or this or this or this. Get creative. Even a fork from your kitchen drawer can get the job done. A word of caution. Knives can be fun to play with, but it’s easy to slip up with big consequences. Use other things until you get confident.

Blindfolds and Gags

Taking away sight and speech is a great way to heighten the sensations and intensify the experience.

Blindfolds are pretty easy. A sleep mask works pretty well, and that one also comes with ear plugs if you want to go for full sensory deprivation. If you want something a little better, a leather blindfold like this one is a good bet. Look for something that is shaped around the nose and pushed in on the eyes for a good light seal. Something with buckles is usually better than elastic, and two straps is always better than one. It’s up to how much you want to spend and how important it is that they see nothing. Some go under the nose as well, but they are more uncomfortable. If you want to be sure they will see nothing, go for a full hood instead of just a blindfold. There are some that also come with a gag attached.

As for gags, there are some differences in styles. Ball gags are the standard. The wiffle-ball style gags make it easier to breath, but also make you drool quite a lot. Bit style gags come in firm or soft. Panel gags have a ball that goes into the mouth while the outside panel covers the outside of the mouth as well. In some cases, the ball is replaced with a dildo. For extra effect, the outside panel can also have a dildo so the dom can have some fun, too.

What Else

I have had a ton a great times with nothing more than $30 worth of stuff from the local dollar store. You don’t need a lot of expensive toys to have fun. Once you figure out what you like, then you may be ready to drop $150 on claws or $100 for a flogger. There are hundreds of sites offering top grade bdsm toys. But you should make sure you like that type of play before you go there. In the mean time, the links above can fill up a toy bag without having to leave Amazon.

Fetlife Group: 50 Shades Welcoming Committee

Posted: August 3, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Current Events, Resources

Check out and join the group here (Membership profile required)

Hi everyone. You may remember this post I wrote the day the trailer for 50 Shades of Grey came out.

I truly believe that this film can be a benefit to our community if we handle it properly. The Fetlife group is a perfect manifestation of what I called for in that post. So it would be pretty shitty of me to not follow through and actually help. So I have volunteered to be moderator for the group and help keep it productive.

But beyond the benefit to the community, I am primarily interested in safety and education.

(I know you’ve all heard this from me lots of times, but…)

When I first started playing with BDSM, all of the events in my area were 21+ and Fetlife didn’t exist, yet. So I got most of my ideas from porn, which it turns out is not a great source of technical guidance. If I hadn’t been excluded from the clubs because of my age, someone might have steered me to better information and some injuries may have been prevented.

I see the same opportunity here. As many have pointed out, ad nausea, these books are a very poor example of BDSM and not something that anyone should emulate, so it is our job to give them something better. But we can’t do that if we shun those who happen find their way into BDSM via a shitty book.

My priorities mirror the rules of the group:
1) Don’t be a dick
2) I don’t have time to referee so I’ll ban by default if you are a dick
3) Remember that you were new and clueless at some point. Treat people with respect. Treat them the way you would have liked to be treated when you found kink.

We need to be understanding and accommodating of ignorance. We need to show them the best possible face of who we are and what we stand for. By doing so, we increase the chances that they will listen to what we have to say and be safer in their own play, even if they never come to an event.

I am trying to do my part to further that goal. I hope you all will spread the word and get the best of our community, both local and international, to join the group and help out. And then, if you hear a friend or random person talking about 50 Shades, you might point them in the direction of that group to ask their questions and get some good answers.