Archive for June, 2015

Editors Note: This article was written by our new contributor, KC, who will bring to XCBDSM the perspective of a female slave. We’re excited to have a new voice.  You can find KC’s bio here. If you have something to say and are interested in writing for XCBDSM, click here

I remember my mother once saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

This old saying was meant to keep young girls from living “in sin” with a man. The expectation was that you meet someone, date, marry and live happily ever after. While marriage is a still considered a cornerstone for a relationship structure today, people can now obtain a divorce with ease. Since there is now far less stigma attached to having even multiple divorces, walking away from a relationship is not unusual, even if you are living together or married. In fact, many now choose to live together without being married in order to ease the end of such relationships.

Why would someone go into a relationship planning their break up? How can a person who has the “happily ever after” mantra in their head keep one foot out the door, just in case? That is not how people have been taught to prepare for their “ever after.”

MaleSub (more…)

Charging Admission for Education

Posted: June 12, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Learn Something, Philosophy

I had someone write to me recently saying that it was wrong for me to charge admission for educational workshops or to teach in places where paid admission is required.

I have been thinking a lot about that and trying to decide how I feel on the subject. The fact is, I do a lot of education and most of it is free. On occasion, there is a charge or suggested donation.

When I look back, I can see a pattern. Without really thinking about it, I have established an unofficial rule for myself that I tend to offer free classes for things that I just picked up along the way, while charging for things that I had to actively research and work on.

For instance, when I do a workshop on needle-play, it is usually free. That class is mostly stuff that other people have taught me for free and little tricks and methods I have borrowed from others.

But my “Sub-Drop and Aftercare” class, on the other hand, is the product of many, many hours of research. And I review the available research before each class to see what new studies on brain chemistry are available. That class is not JUST passing on what I happen to know, it involves serious work. So I don’t feel bad about charging for that.

My other criteria is travel. If I am teaching someplace, like my local kink club, where I was probably going to be that night anyway. No, there will be no charge. But If I am driving several hours or buying a plane ticket to get to a gathering in a community that I am not really a part of, I am more likely to expect some compensation. But the fact is, most of the time, I still end up paying more than I make to travel to these places and teach.

If a product or service has value to you, I think it is demeaning to expect someone to provide it to you for free

But my own personal approach aside, I question the attitude of expecting people to provide education for free. If a product or service has value to you, I think it is demeaning to expect someone to provide it to you for free, especially when you are some random stranger who has never even bothered to say hello to me.

I have issues with this pervasive attitude in our community that expects things for free. People who complain about entry fees at the clubs or ticket prices for workshops by educators who have flown in from other states. I have a problem with people’s reluctance to financially support those who are providing resources and services to us.

I know that there are some people who can’t afford things. And I believe that people running events and workshops and clubs and venues should always make allowances to ensure that the community is accessible to those who couldn’t otherwise afford it.

You are telling me that dozens of hours of my hard work is worth less than a few cocktails

But when I see members of our community spending over a hundred dollars at the bar and then complaining that my 7 hour long intensive workshop costs thirty bucks, I have a problem with that. Because, essentially, you are telling me that dozens of hours of my hard work is worth less than a few cocktails. And if that’s what you believe, then why do you want to be there in the first place?

We have to start thinking more about value and less about cost. If someone has knowledge or experience that is of value to you, then you should be offering them compensation for sharing that with you, even if they don’t ask for it. If they turn that down (and most will), then you have still demonstrated that you value what they are doing and they are more likely to continue sharing what they have. But when we complain about every small cost incurred in our community, we are communicating over and over again, that those things are worthless to us, and the resources will go away.

Still, I teach for free more often than not. But that’s my choice. Others should be able to charge if they need to without worrying about backlash from the community. And those of us who can afford to should be buying extra tickets to give away to those who couldn’t otherwise afford it, rather than criticizing the costs.

Finally! A Rope Bottoms’ Book!

Posted: June 2, 2015 by Isaac Cross in Current Events

Hey all,

I know this isn’t the sort of thing that is usually published here, but I happen to think this book is important and would like to direct your attention to it.

I have been hearing for years that there are not enough resources in our community for bottoms. I especially hear this from rope folks.

So I think it is important that we do what we can to support this effort to bring such a resource into bring.

I have absolutely no affiliation with the author and do not benefit in any way from its success. I really just believe in it. So check it out and do what you can.


The Crowd-Funding Campaign for “Diary of a Rope Fiend” can be found here

(Side note, Amazon got grumpy with them about the original title, “Diary of a Rope Slut”, and made them change it. But if you fund at the $100 level, you get the original edition with the original title, signed and tied up by the author, as well as 7 other books from Thorntree Press.)