Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Stop Saying “Fluid Bonded”

Posted: July 21, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy

Note: Each use of the term “Fluid Bonding” in this article will link to different articles on the same topic and which are relevant to what is being discussed here. Click each one for further reading. 

I literally heard the term “fluid bonded” for the first time from the very first people I met in the community about 11 years ago. I still hear it thrown around constantly. It’s a term that means wildly different things to different people and it causes problems. So you shouldn’t use it.

The thinking behind the term goes something like this:

At a certain point in our relationship, we will decide that we matter enough to each other to stop using barriers with things like sex or blood play, after which point, we are “fluid bound/bonded”. This is both symbolic, similar to the “blood brothers” traditions of old, as well as practical (save money on condoms). In both cases, it’s supposed to represent a greater intimacy and connection and act as a sign of a “more serious” relationship.

That sounds all sweet and meaningful, right?

But here’s the thing about that. The term is only used by non-monogamous people or kinksters who play outside of there otherwise monogamous relationships. And there’s a reason for that, a reason which is the first of several problems with it.

(more…)

Guest Post: Exploring Fears

Posted: May 2, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Guest Posts, Learn Something, Philosophy

Editor’s Note: Today’s guest post comes to us from Natalia Sombra of South Florida. We met at the Beyond Leather convention in Ft. Lauderdale. I loved this piece she wrote about an experience she had over the weekend and asked to share it with you all. +Isaac


This weekend at Beyond Leather I had the enormous privilege to meet wonderful new people, build stronger bonds within current friendships and overall have a shit load of fun. (One metric shit load is an actual unit of measurement equal to 1/2 of one metric fuck ton)

For anyone who knows me well enough, they know that I like to explore forms of play I intend to do as a Dominant in a scene by getting a little taste of it myself.
However there is one form of play I hadn’t bottomed for that I really enjoy and I had the opportunity to do so this weekend.

Enter, I head on confronted my fear of being stuck with needles and was reminded of the overwhelming effects complete vulnerability can have on ones mind and emotions. (more…)

On “Not Being Enough”

Posted: April 26, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy

I’ve always loved the idea of poly. I love that what you can’t give your partner another can and visa versa. I don’t believe that, that level of love can only exist for one person. That being said, I obviously haven’t gone poly yet for a reason. Like everyone, I have insecurities and I would say my biggest insecurity comes from not being good enough, be it sexually, emotionally, intimately, etc. Now, I know you don’t have to be the best to be good enough, but I think even with that knowledge I still have that mindset. I have to be so good that my partner does not desire anything I give them from any other person and I have to be good at everything, so there in nothing to seek in another person. What do i do?

I see this question a lot, or something like it, from folks new to poly and struggling with the emotions that brings. Mainstream culture teaches us that co-dependence is virtuous and that one person should be everything to their partners. So when a partner wants more than just you, it can feel like you are inadequate as a partner. But society’s emphasis on co-dependence is misguided.

The short answer is that you will be much happier (poly or not) if you recognize that you can be “enough” without being everything to them. (more…)

Someone posted this question for debate recently:

Please only answer if you’re polyamorus.
When negotiating alone time with a partner who has another partner, do you:
A-talk to them directly
B- talk to their other partner
C-both a and b
D- other (explain below)

This was my answer: (more…)

Get What You Want/Need/Deserve…

Posted: March 15, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy

When counseling people who are struggling with the behavior of their partners, I always default to something that someone told me a long time ago, in a completely unrelated context (business), but it is something that I use as the core of my relationship philosophy:

“You will never get what you deserve. You will never get what you want. You will never get what you need. You will only ever get what you negotiate for.”

When you assume a standard of conduct or manufacture a set of expectations for your partner without talking to them, regardless of why you assume or expect those things, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If it’s important to you that your partners do certain things, you have to ask them and get their agreement.

No one owes you anything except what they have agreed to. All of that baggage you have in your head that defines what a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/etc SHOULD do is all imaginary, and the other person can’t see it.

If it’s important to you, talk to them about it. If you are important to them, they will listen. You may not be able to get everything you want/need/deserve. But you will get more than if you say nothing.

What do I do with all these needles?

Posted: February 8, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Technique

Sharps

Editor’s Note: This is a Guest Post from our island friend Aloha_Adventures. She is not your doctor or lawyer and neither are we at XCBDSM. This guide should not be interpreted as professional medical or legal advice. Consult someone with letters after their name for that stuff. If you would like to hear more about kinky life on the Hawaiin Islands, let us know in the comments or send us a message. Maybe we can convince her to write more. 

Ok, so some of us love to poke and get poked because needles are awesome!!! But what are we supposed to do with them afterwards?

It has been told to me in the past that you could just deposit a sharps container at a pharmacy when you are done. Unfortunately this does not seem to universally be the case for those of us in the state of Hawaii. Some pharmacies do not want to accept back needles they did not sell you (see this article from Hawaii News Now)

So what do we do after the needle scenes are all finished? (more…)

Over this last weekend, I had the opportunity to address the Rocky Mountain Rebellion Convention in Salt Lake City. The theme of the event was “Rebelling Against Shame”. Below is the content of that speech, as well as some additional information.

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[Full Text of Speech]

I joined the kink community on July 16, 2006. In the years since, I have lost track of the many parties, classes and social events that I have attended, but I do know that this is my 26th conference. In that time, many dates stand out, but few more than an evening in November of 2013 when I received a call telling me that a friend in the community had committed suicide.

Across the US, in any given year, 1 in 4 adults will struggle with a mental health problem, but because of stigma, lack of availability, and other factors, only a small percentage will seek help. The good news is research tells us that the prevalence of these issues in the kink community are lower than the general public. However, when people in the kink community do face a mental health challenge, they are far less likely to seek help, largely because they do not believe that their lifestyle will be understood or respected.

In culturally isolated communities like ours, SHAME LITERALLY TAKES LIVES.

That’s why I wear a pin on my vest for suicide awareness and prevention. It’s why our organization in Colorado is working with the NCSF and supporting their Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) list, and it’s why I have spent a huge amount of my time for the last year working to train individuals within the community to recognize the signs of a mental health problem or crisis and offer appropriate assistance. Because in a community like ours, no one should ever have to make or receive that phone call.

The National Behavioral Healthcare Council has set the goal of reaching one million people trained in Mental Health First Aid by the year 2020. I am personally working to see that at least one thousand of those are people within the kink community.

You can help by going to MentalHealthFirstAid.org and finding a class near you. If there isn’t a class near you, CALL ME and I will come and facilitate one.

For everyone who has been lost and for everyone who can still be helped, please do your part.

Thank you.

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National Mental Health First Aid
Utah Suicide Prevention Coalition
MHFA Colorado

The other States in the Rocky Mountain region (Idaho, Wyoming, and Montana) currently do not have a dedicated site for information on local classes. If you live in those states, or any other in the country, you can visit the national website so search for a class near you.

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I am a certified Mental Health First Aid Instructor. I am authorized to provide this training anywhere in the United States. If you would like to organize a MHFA training for your area, please feel free to contact me.

XCBDSM@gmail.com

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Thank you to all who approached me after the speech offering resources, connections and assistance. I hope to be in contact with you all soon. If you don’t hear from me, please reach out to me.