Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

The Confusing Romantics of Rejecting Commitment

Posted: February 14, 2020 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy
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“A promise is a prison…do not make yourself another’s jailer.”
– Star Trek: Picard, Season 1, Episode 4

I will never make or accept a lifetime commitment. I believe that promising to love someone forever is inherently dishonest. I believe that promising to be with someone forever is, in most cases, setting yourself up for either failure or misery. I think that people should realistically expect and prepare for their relationships, as they know them, to change or end. Because all relationships do one or the other eventually.

Wow. Sounds super cynical, right?

Actually, I think of it as romantic. And if you stick with me, maybe you will, too. (more…)

Defining “Successful” Relationships

Posted: October 31, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy, Uncategorized
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For most people in western societies and in many other cultures around the world, a successful relationship is one that lasts “forever”.

But this is an inadequate definition for many reasons.

(more…)

Rough Take: Self-Sabotage

Posted: September 17, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Rough Take
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I host/facilitate/staff a lot of social events within sex-positive communities. As a result, I overhear a LOT of flirtatious conversations.

There is this heartbreaking thing that I see happen CONSTANTLY where I’m listening in on a conversation and this dude is about to get laid in a life-changing way. I know her, she’s gonna turn your world upside down, my dude. Just DONT FUCK IT UP.

And then the guy says something gross about trans people or says he would only be in a threesome with two girls, or whatever. Something completely unnecessary to say that shows he isn’t ready for the good good. And maybe never will be.

And she hears it and her whole demeanor changes. He doesn’t notice, he still thinks he’s in, cuz she was flirting a second ago, but he didn’t notice that he just cock-blocked himself by saying some ignorant, closed-minded bullshit.

Now she’s looking for the posted exits from this conversation but he’s just plowing on like the black knight refusing to acknowledge the mortal wound his chances with her has just suffered.

The guy probably isn’t a bad person. But he hasn’t realized he’s in a room where you need better than a penis and high school level charm to get anywhere. He hasn’t realized that there’s homework he hasn’t done. These hot alt folks are a master class in human sexuality and he’s not even up to date on the remedials, let alone the full list of prerequisites. But she might have waved those requirements if he had just not said some stupid shit that didn’t need to be said. For one night of fun, she might have been willing to not look too close at him, but then he felt the need to shove his asshole in her face like a cat so she can’t possibly ignore it.

And I just cry inside. Because he doesn’t know what just happened and probably never will.

I’ll pour one out for you later, man. After I subtly suggest you attend one of my classes.

Own You Existence (Rough Take)

Posted: February 24, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Rough Take
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This “Rough Take” post has been published without review, editing, or revision. Rough Take posts are designed to communicate thoughts and ideas that haven’t been fully developed in order to spark discussion and responses which may fuel later, more refined articles. 

How do we change our partners when they don’t want to change? How do we get what we want from them when they aren’t willing to give it? The quick answer is, you can’t. (more…)

Death and Devotion: Leather Fiesta 2018 Keynote Speech

Posted: November 11, 2018 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy
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(The following is the keynote address delivered at the Leather Fiesta conference in Albuquerque, New Mexico on November 11, 2018)
© Isaac Cross XCBDSM@GMAIL.COM

Here’s a challenge: I want you to believe what I am about to tell you. Not just hear it, not just understand it, but believe it. It’s a fact that you already know to be true, but have never been able to fully accept, and it’s this: you are going to die. You, the person listening to me right now, are going to die.

It’s difficult even to imagine, isn’t it? Take a moment and try to picture what it’s like to not exist. You can’t do it. You’re Imagining darkness, black. But there will be no black. There will be no color because there will be no you to perceive it. And your mind recoils from that idea. It’s basically unable to conceive of its own nonexistence. So, it concludes that it is impossible, that you’ll live forever. But you won’t. All things end. All motion slows. All heat becomes cold. Life is an eddy in that current of entropy. A brief chemical reaction that lights up the darkness and then, it’s fuel spent, dissipates back to nothing. Just like you will.

Your body is a marvelous and intricate machine, built out of millions of interconnected, fragile systems. And as you age, each begins to slowly but surely deteriorate and break down. When one fails, a doctor may be able to repair it, but at some point, there will be too many interlocking failures to proceed. And like a cascade of dominoes, your joints, your eyes, your heart, your lungs, your memory, your entire body will fail. It will happen. And while it is difficult to hear this truth, it is essential that you accept it. Because every second that goes by in which you don’t is a second of your precious and finite life that you risk wasting.

So I’m Going to say this one more time, and this time, try as hard as you can to believe me. You, yes you, will die, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.

(more…)

Ethical Kink

Posted: September 25, 2018 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy
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Consent is absolutely mandatory, but what you do is not automatically OK just because you have consent. 
 
I do not have the right to tell you not to do something I view as irresponsible, but I do have the right to choose not to be involved with it. and in fact, I believe I have a responsibility and an obligation to decline participation in a scene that I think will cause harm, even to those who have consented to it. 
 
Those who see me doing crazy things or listen to my stories may be surprised to learn that I turn down invitations to scenes more often than I accept them. Often it is because I don’t have time or energy to spare, or because I simply don’t think the scene is a good fit for me. But often enough, it is because the scene being proposed is one that I believe has unacceptable risk and because the individual(s) involved (most commonly the bottom in the proposed scene) is unwilling to compromise to make the scene less risky.
 
The late David Stein is the one who convinced me to adopt this value. Talking with him and reading his writings caused me to entirely overhaul my presentation on BDSM ethics, as well as my personal approach, under the central guiding principle of “First, do no harm to oneself or others.” Before I encountered this idea (about four years ago), I must admit that I was guilty of participating in both scenes and relationship dynamics that did not meet this definition of ethical. I cannot change this. But I can work to do and be better and to advocate for others to do so, as well.

I encourage you to read Stein’s article titled, “How to Do the Right Kinky Thing- Ethical Principles for BDSM“

 
It changed me. And I hope that it might guide you, as well. 

2018 Beyond Leather Keynote: Future and Fire

Posted: April 29, 2018 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Current Events, Events, Learn Something, Philosophy
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(The following is the keynote address delivered at the Beyond Leather convention in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida on April 28, 2018)
© Isaac Cross XCBDSM@GMAIL.COM

Egbert van der Poel - Fire in a Village

Egbert van der Poel – Fire in a Village

There is an African proverb that says if a child is not embraced by the village, they will burn it down just to feel its warmth.

When I attended my first play party at age 21, an older gentleman remarked to me that young people like myself were ruining the kink community, a sentiment I’ve heard echoed more times than I can count within my own story and that of nearly every young kinkster I know.

Many of us young people are feeling a bit cold and we can’t help but notice how flammable the village looks these days. (more…)

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