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It’s not preference. It’s prejudice.

Definitions used in this post.

Orientation = “I experience attraction to this specific set of people and not this specific set of people. My orientation is determined by my attraction, not the other way around.”

Preference = “I am open to these different sets of people but I tend to choose to pursue this specific type.”

Prejudice = I can’t imagine imagine that I would ever date this specific type of person, EVEN IF I EXPERIENCED ATTTACTION TO THEM. 

When you say you “don’t” or “won’t” date black men, or trans people, or any other specific trait of person, that’s not a preference, that’s a prejudice.

I often say “so far, I have not experienced attraction to a cis man, but if it ever happens, I’ll be open to it.” I’ve heard others say something like “I tend not to be attracted to butch women.” Both of these keep the door open while maintaining your right to only date those you are attracted to.

I have no interest in policing you orientation or preferences. I do have a problem with people who would exclude a certain type of person IN SPITE OF their attraction to them. Because that reveals an underlying prejudice. It reveals that they believe that type of person is inherently less valuable than those they “prefer”.

By being definitive and declarative with something like “I only date white guys” or “I’m bi, but I don’t date trans people”, that’s shitty, stigmatizing, and frankly, bigotry.

Maybe when you say those bad examples, you really mean it the other way, that you just happen to not be attracted to a certain type of person. Then say that instead. Because if you don’t say what you mean, no one else can know what you mean.

And if you find that you are attracted to someone, but then reject them solely because you fnd out about a specific trait, then you are prejudiced against that trait. Period. It’s not preference, it’s prejudice.

So for some of you, this is a plea to be more careful with you language and avoid saying problematic shit that makes large groups of people feel othered and devalued. To the rest, it’s a plea to be a better person and fix your prejudice.