Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

A Defense of Hedonistic Kink (Rough Take)

Posted: August 11, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

This “Rough Take” post has been published without review, editing, or revision. Rough Take posts are designed to communicate thoughts and ideas that haven’t been fully developed in order to spark discussion and responses which may fuel later, more refined articles. 


What is Hedonism

Hedonism is an ethical theory that pleasure (we’ll define what we mean by pleasure in a minute) is the highest good and proper aim of human life.

In the more casual usage, hedonism means indulging in the senses. People use it to describe those who are unashamed of their love of food and music and sex and aroma and everything else that feels good.

And hedonism gets a bad rap.

The primary objection relates to the first, more formal definition. Of course there are other sources of meaning and other worthy pursuits in life besides just feeling good as often as possible. Living in the moment, achieving meaningful accomplishments, mastery of skills, preservation of knowledge. Any number of things can be a source of meaning and fulfillment. So that criticism is valid. (Google Robert Nozick’s experience machine thought-experiment for more on that)

But lets never mind the formal definition and focus on the other, most common use of the word. When we leave the formal definition behind, we no longer have to defend the position that pleasure is the only or at least the most important goal in life.

Instead, the modern hedonist says that we should strive first and foremost for pleasure, as did their predecessors, but with an additional emphasis on personal freedom and equality.

And for the average person ascribing to hedonism, this could result any any one of a variety of lifestyles. But I want to talk about the path that might lead one to kink and BDSM. And I want to talk about the derision that hedonistic kinksters face in a BDSM/Leather community that so often (and so ironically) emphasizes formality and rigidity and conformity. (more…)

Primary Rights Don’t Exist

Posted: February 17, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

In a poly group, a person posted asking [paraphrased] “if I’m the primary, shouldn’t I have the right to sex without a condom instead of other people.”

A discussion ensued debating whether the primary is entitled to that specific right or what the specific wording of their negotiated rule was, etc.

My response was:

First of all, if your main concern is sexual health, then you should use condoms with everyone, including your primary. If you are willing to do something less than that, then you’ve decided you happiness is more important that sexual health and that’s the standard you’ve established.

Second, y’all talk about “primary” like it’s a real thing with defined “rights”.

It isn’t.

It’s something a bunch of people made up so that they were allowed to go have outside sex but still keep control over their partner. So they didn’t have to deal with the obvious insecurity and lack of trust in their relationship.

Because if your relationship is solid, you trust each other, and you respect each other, then you don’t need primary rights, rules, or restrictions.

If you find yourself asking questions about what you are entitled to as a primary, it’s a great sign that their are much deeper problems with your relationship that you should probably resolve before bleeding your problems onto innocent and unsuspecting outside partners.

You have a right to say “if you have unprotected sex with others, then you may not have unprotected sex with me”.

You have a right to say, “having unprotected sex with you is important to me, so please don’t compromise that.”

You do not have the right to tell them how they are allowed to have sex with others just because you met them first.

If they agree to a “rule”, they have the right to revoke their agreement or renegotiate it whenever they want.

If they break it without telling you, that’s a problem, especially if it’s something that could compromise your safety. But I didn’t see anything in this discussion that implied that’s what happened.

Instead, it sounds like someone decided to reassert their control over their own body and the OP is upset because they think they own that part of him now.

But they don’t.

So they should either accept that and talk to them like an autonomous adult to find way forward that will make both of you happy or leave and find someone so insecure that they will do anything to appease you, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness or the right to control their own body.

But the TLDR is that there is no such thing as primary rights. It’s not a real thing.

So the basic answer to the original post is just a simple “NO”.

Coming Out As Everything

Posted: October 11, 2018 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

Coming out day.

It’s always been a bit strange for me. I know that I’m not straight, but I don’t really know what else to say about myself.

I enjoy sex and kink play and intimacy with men and masculine people and I regularly take advantage of opportunities for that.

But I don’t find myself sexually attracted to men and masculine people. My sexual attraction seems to be almost exclusively triggered by feminine energy/appearance.

OR

By hot kink regardless of the people involved. For me, kink overrides everything else about my sexuality. It is my primary sexual orientation.

I have begun feeling more comfortable calling myself queer, though I do so very rarely because (as I’ve heard so many others express), I often don’t feel queer enough.

And even today. I am hesitant to post this at all because I discuss kink as my primary driver and I’ve been told that kink is not something that ought to be discussed or announced as part of “coming out day” and I ought to leave the space for LGBT people to discuss only LGBT issues and not being poly or kink into it.

On the one hand, I understand. While I believe that being poly or kinky is often just as intrinsic and innate to a person’s identity and expression as gender or sexual orientation, I also understand that poly/kinky people have not endured the same persecution and do not face the same threats as people do for being gay or trans.

But as someone who is all of those things, I think that have a right to own my sexuality and to claim space for it in my own personal spaces and circles. And I believe others have that right, as well.

So for those of who who want to “come out” or talk openly about your sexuality, no matter what it happens to be centered around, know that I welcome and respect you and I would be happy to talk to about that today, or any day, without judgement.

Isaac Cross’s First Keynote Speech

Posted: January 20, 2018 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized
Now that the official event schedule has been posted, I can proudly announce that I have been asked to give the keynote speech for Beyond Leather this April in Ft. Lauderdale.
 
This is a big step in my “career” as an educator, and I look forward to using my time on the soap box to encourage people to build bridges and strive for compassion.
 
I look forward to seeing my Florida friends, my presenter colleagues, as well as a sizable Colorado contingent that is attending and/or teaching at the event this year.

Isaac Cross Interviewed by Family Affairs

Posted: October 6, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

A couple of months ago, I was invited to be join Ben Robbins and the Family Affairs podcast for an hour-long conversation on kink and non-monogamy.

It was a pleasure talking with them. I hope you enjoy it.

It’s not preference. It’s prejudice.

Posted: September 12, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

It’s not preference. It’s prejudice.

Definitions used in this post.

Orientation = “I experience attraction to this specific set of people and not this specific set of people. My orientation is determined by my attraction, not the other way around.”

Preference = “I am open to these different sets of people but I tend to choose to pursue this specific type.”

Prejudice = I can’t imagine imagine that I would ever date this specific type of person, EVEN IF I EXPERIENCED ATTTACTION TO THEM. 

When you say you “don’t” or “won’t” date black men, or trans people, or any other specific trait of person, that’s not a preference, that’s a prejudice.

I often say “so far, I have not experienced attraction to a cis man, but if it ever happens, I’ll be open to it.” I’ve heard others say something like “I tend not to be attracted to butch women.” Both of these keep the door open while maintaining your right to only date those you are attracted to.

I have no interest in policing you orientation or preferences. I do have a problem with people who would exclude a certain type of person IN SPITE OF their attraction to them. Because that reveals an underlying prejudice. It reveals that they believe that type of person is inherently less valuable than those they “prefer”.

By being definitive and declarative with something like “I only date white guys” or “I’m bi, but I don’t date trans people”, that’s shitty, stigmatizing, and frankly, bigotry.

Maybe when you say those bad examples, you really mean it the other way, that you just happen to not be attracted to a certain type of person. Then say that instead. Because if you don’t say what you mean, no one else can know what you mean.

And if you find that you are attracted to someone, but then reject them solely because you fnd out about a specific trait, then you are prejudiced against that trait. Period. It’s not preference, it’s prejudice.

So for some of you, this is a plea to be more careful with you language and avoid saying problematic shit that makes large groups of people feel othered and devalued. To the rest, it’s a plea to be a better person and fix your prejudice.

500,000 Views!

Posted: May 22, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

Earlier today, we passed 500,000 page views. Thanks for all the continued support and to our fantastic writers and guest authors that make this page great.