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Coming out day.

It’s always been a bit strange for me. I know that I’m not straight, but I don’t really know what else to say about myself.

I enjoy sex and kink play and intimacy with men and masculine people and I regularly take advantage of opportunities for that.

But I don’t find myself sexually attracted to men and masculine people. My sexual attraction seems to be almost exclusively triggered by feminine energy/appearance.

OR

By hot kink regardless of the people involved. For me, kink overrides everything else about my sexuality. It is my primary sexual orientation.

I have begun feeling more comfortable calling myself queer, though I do so very rarely because (as I’ve heard so many others express), I often don’t feel queer enough.

And even today. I am hesitant to post this at all because I discuss kink as my primary driver and I’ve been told that kink is not something that ought to be discussed or announced as part of “coming out day” and I ought to leave the space for LGBT people to discuss only LGBT issues and not being poly or kink into it.

On the one hand, I understand. While I believe that being poly or kinky is often just as intrinsic and innate to a person’s identity and expression as gender or sexual orientation, I also understand that poly/kinky people have not endured the same persecution and do not face the same threats as people do for being gay or trans.

But as someone who is all of those things, I think that have a right to own my sexuality and to claim space for it in my own personal spaces and circles. And I believe others have that right, as well.

So for those of who who want to “come out” or talk openly about your sexuality, no matter what it happens to be centered around, know that I welcome and respect you and I would be happy to talk to about that today, or any day, without judgement.

A couple of months ago, I was invited to be join Ben Robbins and the Family Affairs podcast for an hour-long conversation on kink and non-monogamy.

It was a pleasure talking with them. I hope you enjoy it.

It’s not preference. It’s prejudice.

Definitions used in this post.

Orientation = “I experience attraction to this specific set of people and not this specific set of people. My orientation is determined by my attraction, not the other way around.”

Preference = “I am open to these different sets of people but I tend to choose to pursue this specific type.”

Prejudice = I can’t imagine imagine that I would ever date this specific type of person, EVEN IF I EXPERIENCED ATTTACTION TO THEM. 

When you say you “don’t” or “won’t” date black men, or trans people, or any other specific trait of person, that’s not a preference, that’s a prejudice.

I often say “so far, I have not experienced attraction to a cis man, but if it ever happens, I’ll be open to it.” I’ve heard others say something like “I tend not to be attracted to butch women.” Both of these keep the door open while maintaining your right to only date those you are attracted to.

I have no interest in policing you orientation or preferences. I do have a problem with people who would exclude a certain type of person IN SPITE OF their attraction to them. Because that reveals an underlying prejudice. It reveals that they believe that type of person is inherently less valuable than those they “prefer”.

By being definitive and declarative with something like “I only date white guys” or “I’m bi, but I don’t date trans people”, that’s shitty, stigmatizing, and frankly, bigotry.

Maybe when you say those bad examples, you really mean it the other way, that you just happen to not be attracted to a certain type of person. Then say that instead. Because if you don’t say what you mean, no one else can know what you mean.

And if you find that you are attracted to someone, but then reject them solely because you fnd out about a specific trait, then you are prejudiced against that trait. Period. It’s not preference, it’s prejudice.

So for some of you, this is a plea to be more careful with you language and avoid saying problematic shit that makes large groups of people feel othered and devalued. To the rest, it’s a plea to be a better person and fix your prejudice.

Earlier today, we passed 500,000 page views. Thanks for all the continued support and to our fantastic writers and guest authors that make this page great. 

For whatever reason, the email I have set up for this website is being bad these last few weeks.

Please use XCBDSM@gmail.com until I can get Cross@XCBDSM.com back up and running.

My first time skiing: I fell down (a lot).

First time snowboarding: I fell down. A lot.

First time cooking: I made a grape and black olive salad… Thing. It was beyond awful. My next couple attempts weren’t great either (inedibly salty falafel).

First time I picked up a violin for school: I sucked. A lot. It was also terrible.

First time I masturbated with a toy: It was super scary and I wasn’t able to get inside myself. (more…)