Archive for the ‘Philosophy’ Category

Kink and Power Exchange and Sex : Not the same

Posted: January 22, 2018 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy
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I was teaching a kink 101 class on Saturday and I emphasized that:

  • Power/Authority Exchange,
  • Kink / SM / Fetish Play, and
  • Sex

Are all different things and two (or more) people can enjoy one without either of the other two if that’s what works for them.

As always, it surprised some people that I would say that. And I’ve seen some people around the internet assert otherwise, so I thought I would post this here, along with the following incomplete list of clarifying statements:

– Even if YOU wouldn’t enjoy one without another, the fact is that many people do. So please stop telling people they can’t.

– Non-sexual kink is a thing and is awesome. Lots of people like it

– Many people can and do have fulfilling power exchange relationships that don’t involve kink play or sex.

– You can be a submissive without being a masochist.

– You can be a dominant without being a sadist.

– You can be a submissive and still not give consent for sex with your dominant.

– It’s ok to bottom without submitting.

– It’s ok to bottom while dominating.

– People who prefer non-kinky sex and egalitarian relationships are not less enlightened or boring. They just like a different flavor of ice cream than you do.

– You do fucking you. Find what makes you happy and someone willing to do it with you. Fuck everyone else’s conception of what things are “supposed” to be like.

– You should NEVER be expected to participate in other people’s power protocols until or unless YOU agree to.

We are all rebels against mainstream ideas of what we are supposed to be and explorers of the full breadth of the human condition. So stop trying to make others conform to your idea of what is an acceptable style of kink/relationship/dynamic.

By all means, debate what is ethical or not. Share your views on what you see as too coercive or deceptive to be considered consensual. We NEED to keep having those talks.

We NEED to keep talking about how best to achieve fulfilling relationships and sharing tools and ideas.

But we DON’T need people telling new folks that they have to submit to a dominant in order to find the fulfilling kink play or rough sex that they seek.

We DON’T need people telling new folks that they are a “real” dom or sub unless they like (or are at least willing) to do particular activities.

We DON’T need people re-enforcing the idea that there is nothing more to kink than deviant sex.

Kink is far more “normal” than people know. But it is still considered fringe because we are spending all of our time an energy keeping our community artificially small by excluding people who don’t meet our definition of “kinky enough” or they don’t kink “the right way”.

Please try to meet people where they are. Educate with compassion and remember that everyone is not necessarily looking for the same things as you, so the way you do things may not be right for them.

Stop Saying “Fluid Bonded”

Posted: July 21, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy
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Note: Each use of the term “Fluid Bonding” in this article will link to different articles on the same topic and which are relevant to what is being discussed here. Click each one for further reading. 

I literally heard the term “fluid bonded” for the first time from the very first people I met in the community about 11 years ago. I still hear it thrown around constantly. It’s a term that means wildly different things to different people and it causes problems. So you shouldn’t use it.

The thinking behind the term goes something like this:

At a certain point in our relationship, we will decide that we matter enough to each other to stop using barriers with things like sex or blood play, after which point, we are “fluid bound/bonded”. This is both symbolic, similar to the “blood brothers” traditions of old, as well as practical (save money on condoms). In both cases, it’s supposed to represent a greater intimacy and connection and act as a sign of a “more serious” relationship.

That sounds all sweet and meaningful, right?

But here’s the thing about that. The term is only used by non-monogamous people or kinksters who play outside of there otherwise monogamous relationships. And there’s a reason for that, a reason which is the first of several problems with it.

(more…)

Do poly? or BE poly?

Posted: June 8, 2017 by Isaac Cross in About Me, Learn Something, Life Log, Philosophy
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Someone in a poly group asked this question:

Who preferes saying they are
doing poly or
being poly,
and why?

I personally prefer ‘doing’, as it feels more like a choice.

It’s never felt like a choice for me.

In my teen years, coming of age, I was aware enough to realize that I wasn’t oriented to monogamy the way others were. No matter how much I cared about someone, I never stopped seeing others. No matter how much I loved a person, it wasn’t enough to make me willing to pass up opportunities to connect with other people and know them, too.

So I decided that I would just never allow myself to have deep relationships, because I wouldn’t be able to do that without hurting the people I cared about, because no matter how good they were, they would never be “enough” for me and I couldn’t keep doing that to them.

That was a deeply painful and isolating time for me.

Then I met someone who felt the same way and we negotiated a non-monogamous relationship before either of us knew that anyone else did that, before we knew that “poly” was a thing or that there was a community and books and etiquette.

I have always BEEN polyamorous. And I always will be. It’s not a choice. It’s the only way I can be.

Sometimes Poly Doesn’t…

Posted: May 12, 2017 by Jordyn in Learn Something, Philosophy
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“Sometimes Poly Doesn’t…“ by Jordyn Amstutz (XCBDSM Contributor and Instructor)

Poly doesn’t always feel nice.

And that’s ok.

Sometimes… Poly is watching your partner get their needs that match yours met with someone else.

Sometimes poly is having to accept less, instead of all.

Sometimes poly is, I hate this, but you don’t need my permission to do it anyway.

Sometimes poly is burning. Sitting in your room, your house, alone, burning with all the emotions and there is no one to put you out except yourself. And sometimes, you’re not enough of a firefighter.

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Guest Post: Exploring Fears

Posted: May 2, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Guest Posts, Learn Something, Philosophy
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Editor’s Note: Today’s guest post comes to us from Natalia Sombra of South Florida. We met at the Beyond Leather convention in Ft. Lauderdale. I loved this piece she wrote about an experience she had over the weekend and asked to share it with you all. +Isaac

This weekend at Beyond Leather I had the enormous privilege to meet wonderful new people, build stronger bonds within current friendships and overall have a shit load of fun. (One metric shit load is an actual unit of measurement equal to 1/2 of one metric fuck ton)

For anyone who knows me well enough, they know that I like to explore forms of play I intend to do as a Dominant in a scene by getting a little taste of it myself.
However there is one form of play I hadn’t bottomed for that I really enjoy and I had the opportunity to do so this weekend.

Enter, I head on confronted my fear of being stuck with needles and was reminded of the overwhelming effects complete vulnerability can have on ones mind and emotions. (more…)

On “Not Being Enough”

Posted: April 26, 2017 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Philosophy
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I’ve always loved the idea of poly. I love that what you can’t give your partner another can and visa versa. I don’t believe that, that level of love can only exist for one person. That being said, I obviously haven’t gone poly yet for a reason. Like everyone, I have insecurities and I would say my biggest insecurity comes from not being good enough, be it sexually, emotionally, intimately, etc. Now, I know you don’t have to be the best to be good enough, but I think even with that knowledge I still have that mindset. I have to be so good that my partner does not desire anything I give them from any other person and I have to be good at everything, so there in nothing to seek in another person. What do i do?

I see this question a lot, or something like it, from folks new to poly and struggling with the emotions that brings. Mainstream culture teaches us that co-dependence is virtuous and that one person should be everything to their partners. So when a partner wants more than just you, it can feel like you are inadequate as a partner. But society’s emphasis on co-dependence is misguided.

The short answer is that you will be much happier (poly or not) if you recognize that you can be “enough” without being everything to them. (more…)

I Am A BDSM Minimalist

Posted: March 29, 2017 by ErisM in Learn Something, Philosophy
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I’m a BDSM minimalist. My play isn’t flashy, I don’t have a rolling castle full of whips and chains that I drag to each kink event. I find beauty in simplicity.

The term came up organically with another presenter at Rome BDSM Conference, because that is always how magic happens. Get a few weird-ass kinky creative people together and the terms start rolling.  I had an interview with Desade Magazine at the end of the weekend (when I was tired, hair pulled back and a few stumbling steps away from my flight back home) that was an “aha” moment where I described in detail how I do kink. (more…)

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