Mailbag Monday – July 7, 2014

Posted: July 7, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something

Here are some quick answers from to questions that I have received.

Or… In some cases, questions that someone asked in my general vicinity or somewhere on the internet. But I am answering them here, because that’s where I am.

The questions have been paraphrased or otherwise edited down to the essential details.

Do you Have a Question? Drop it at the Contact Me Page, or you can post to any of the social network platforms listed to the left. (Unless you are on your phone or something, in which case, you can find he list here.


Too Emotional

I do chastity play with my boyfriend. I really like it, but I find that I start to feel guilty about it, so I have trouble setting a good long period of time and then following through. Do you know of anything to do that will help that?

I don’t really play on that side of things, but one tip I have heard is to institute a game that makes it so his sentence isn’t up to you. I once read someone who locked up the boy then had them roll three dice. The first was the number of days between being let out for a couple of hours for edging. The second is the number of edging sessions before being allowed a ruined orgasm. The third is how many ruined orgasms before getting full orgasm. Once the full cycle is done and they have had their orgasm, they get locked back up and roll the dice again. In between rolls, the dice are kept on the rolled numbers and displayed where he sees them every day.

Another idea is to use on online “Wheel of Fortune” like this one. It’s totally customizable. So you can keep it the way that they have it set. Or you can set the game up so that the cage comes off every seven days and they spin for either edging, ruined orgasm, orgasm, or “game over”. You can have lots of the edging and ruined orgasm spaces, and only a few of the other ones to make it last longer. If they spin game over, the cage goes back on until next week.

In both of these examples, you have set yourself up to make fate the bad guy instead of you. “Sorry, I know you are frustrated, but you know that you are the one who rolled/spun, not me. I am just doing what the dice/wheel said.”

There are other ideas, too. You can set up an initial time in chastity, along with things that they can do to earn early freedom. Many guys, as much as they protest or complain, don’t actually want to be let out. They want you to say no when you ask. If you have a parole condition like this, then it gives you a way to say no without feeling bad. After all, if they really wanted out, all they have to do is [insert unpleasant, but realistic challenge].

Pet Tops/Doms

How come pet play always means that the pet is the bottom or sub?

I think that most of the people who desire pet play want to be owned, and mot people who desire to play with a pet want to own them. Since that is the common desire on both sides, that tends to be how the relationships look.

However, I have seen exceptions to this. There is a joke that says that dogs have owners, but cats only have staff. I have absolutely seen kitty players that have their “owners” wrapped around the little paws. I have also seen couples or groups of pets with one owner, or that have no owners and play as a “pack”. Among these pets, there is sometimes a power structure where some are in dominant positions over others.

Newby Advice

I am a married guy and I deeply care for my wife. Our lives are pretty normal we have a small child and both have careers, she is an engineer and I am an analyst. Our bedroom habits are somewhat kinkier then normal (at least what I think normal is) but not anything to raise an eyebrow at. Few weeks ago my wife approached me and indicated that she would like to try the bdsm lifestyle with her being the submissive one (she read the 50 Shades of Gray couple of years ago and loved the books, even though we now know it’s not a good representation of the lifestyle). At the time I knew very little of what it involved, so I figured why not give it a try and set to reading as much information as I could on the topic.

The problem I am having is finding some guidance for married couples, a lot of the stuff I read seems to be directed at single people and/or very “hardcore” relationships. We are partners in our everyday life and make a lot of decisions together regarding child rearing and our finances.

If you know of any online resource or books that might help me or have any advice you can give that would be great. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

First thing first. Put down “50 Shades” and walk away. It is a horrible misrepresentation of what BDSM is. The “dom” in that book is manipulative, abusive, and violates consent on multiple occasions.

Those are all great websites with lots of comprehensive information on various aspects of BDSM. On the Bookself Page, I have three different “beginners” books which might be helpful as well. And as always, I strongly recommend Partners In Power, which remains one of my favorite books on power exchange.

I would also recommend getting on FetLife, there are groups on there for every interest imaginable and lots of helpful folks willing to give pointers. If you are comfortable with it, you should also consider trying to go to a BDSM event in your community, such as a munch or a play party. This is a great way to meet other people like you who can serve as resources for you and answer questions during your exploration.

There are tons of married couples that have BDSM as an element of their relationship, and many of them have relationships which would not be considered “hardcore”.

The first and most important step is to communicate. Find out what she means when she says she wants BDSM. Does she just want some kinky sex? Or does she want you to take total control of her life and your relationship? Maybe it’s somewhere in between. Go slow at first and talk a lot. Talk before you start. Talk while things are happening. Talk some more afterward. There is no reason that either of you should be guessing at what the other person wants or what they are willing to try.

Do you have a question that you want answered in the Monday Mailbag? Drop it in the comments or send it to us through the Contact Us page.

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