At The December Gateway, a few weeks ago, I had a scene with my wife. I know her, deeply. And this isn’t the first time we’ve done an intense scene like this. So I knew all the things to say, all the motions, all the sounds that would convince her present mind that what was happening was real, while allowing her deeper mind to know that she was safe. We waited until the end of the night, when only a few people remained. I don’t know to what extent those people really understood what was happening. I tried to keep my words soft, so that they wouldn’t hear what I said to her.
These scenes are hard for me. Somehow separating myself from the things that I am doing to her and saying to her. When it was over, after I dropped my coat over her face, I had to go and sit on the corner of a table and stare at the wall for several minutes. Breathing and fighting back the urge to cry over the terrible noises she had made. The pleading and begging echoed in my head and the voice of my better self began to feel the horror of what I had just done. I could have turned to some of my friends there for help, but how could they understand that I needed aftercare when they just saw what I had done. Some of them who had been there for the abduction may have recognized the face I was making and my body language. Its the way I am when trying to remind and/or convince myself that what I am doing isn’t as bad as it looks.
Unlike the abduction, however, I couldn’t bring myself to write about this. Fortunately, she could. Below, I have linked to her post about the event. And what follows is the introduction that she wrote as a lead in to it.
I Love You, I’ll Kill You
By Rhea, of the City Galatea Blog
We explore our roles throughout many scenes. Top, bottom, fucktoy, princess, boi, pet, furniture…all these things are easy to become, given the right partner, the right circumstances, the right mood.
Now, just because these roles are easy to take on, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to enact them, even upon a willing partner. Can you treat a loved one like an animal? Can you accept their different roles? Can you be the vicious wolf on the edge of the forest, the dark sexual predator? Naturally, that all comes down to negotiation, and how well you know that partner. Giving one another that freedom to be something new and exciting can be amazing and empowering.
Role-play can be a powerful tool for any scene. Perhaps, in a way, it can resolve you of any terrible responsibility. You can do something under the guise of a role, and come back and be the loving partner they knew before. Imagine, all well be well after the fact. You have permission to let loose.
The question beneath all these roles is this: what could you do? Can you take a mask on and off, without owning your actions? What could you do when things like love and respect manage to slip away? What will you let yourself do? What dark fantasies lurk behind that mask that you put on? Could you interrogate your partner? Could you brutalize them?