Mailbag Monday – July 28, 2014

Posted: July 28, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something

Here are some quick answers from to questions that I have received.

Or… In some cases, questions that someone asked in my general vicinity or somewhere on the internet. But I am answering them here, because that’s where I am.

The questions have been paraphrased or otherwise edited down to the essential details.

Do you Have a Question? Drop it at the Contact Me Page, or you can post to any of the social network platforms listed to the left. (Unless you are on your phone or something, in which case, you can find he list here.


I’ve been interested in kink since I was in high school. Bought my first pair of handcuffs (not fluffy :P) at 15. Fast forward 9 years and I’m really looking to get involved in the local scene for education and potentially play partners but there’s a problem.

An active member of the small local scene poses a fairly big exposure risk for my boyfriend and myself. He is on the fringe of the local board games/comic/gaming scene of which we are both a part of and is very openly in to pony play and has no type of professional life at risk participating in the scene. He’s not someone that either of us ever had an interest in being friends with anyways, but he attends almost every meet-up and event from what I have been able to gather on FL. We’re both afraid that he lacks the incentive/capability to be tactful especially if we make no efforts to be his friend.

Have you ever run in to a similar situation in your local scene? How did you resolve it? Should I just give up on a social kink circle until I move?

Yeah. I absolutely have. I have run into old classmates, coworkers, friends from other circles, and many others over the years. In all of this time, no one has ever compromised my privacy, and no one has ever outed me. And my risk is very high. Not only is my career a sensitive one, but my involvement in kink is very high profile. I do a lot more than attend local parties. I have found that our community values the protection of each other’s privacy fiercely, and has absolutely no tolerance for those that do not share that.

That said, I can’t guarantee that you won’t have a problem. Stupid people are everywhere. But if you are concerned, you might ask the person who operates your local club to contact this person to reiterate the importance of discretion before you come out for the first time.

Contract Wording

I am married with children. My partner and I are formalizing our relationship. How did you write your contract?Any input would be appreciated.

First of all, it is important to reiterate that a slave contract, or anything like it, is for no one except the two of you. It is not and cannot be an enforceable legal document. So think of it like your vows to one another. Write out the things that each of you offers to the other and then re-write it in the form of contractual obligations.

Be realistic with your terms. Being too lofty will set you up for failure.

Avoid turning your contract into a list of rules. This prevents necessary changes in the future. You should instead make sure that the things in your contract are the most important elements which are the least likely to change.

Keep it brief. This combined with the previous two points, will give you the best chance for success. Ideally, each of you should be able to at least paraphrase all the key points without having to look.

Finally, accept that one day you may need to change something. Make sure there is something in the contract that allows the two of you to make amendments.

First Spark

How did you become interested in BDSM? Wondering what sparked your interest. I realized I wanted to explore BDSM when I stumbled across a webcomic about it and realized it turned me on. What’s your story?

Honestly, that’s hard to remember for sure. When I was a kid, my friends and I tied each other up all the time. And I remember that I would frequently enjoy games which left me or others in a helpless state and subject to the whims of others. I know that somewhere around age 17, I became aware of public events in my area and began to think about it. Though I didn’t actually make it out to one until just after I turned 21, mostly because of age policies at my local events. I know that in my late teens, I began to experiment with power games, but none of it could be considered BDSM I don’t think.

I think that porn was probably the thing that first made me connect some of those feelings to my sexuality, and actually exposed me to BDSM in a proper sense. The downside of that was the somewhat unrealistic impression of what BDSM was and how it was supposed to be. But that happens to many of us from what I’ve gathered.

I wish I had a more specific answer for you, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Do you have a question that you want answered in the Monday Mailbag? Drop it in the comments or send it to us through the Contact Us page.

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