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Below are a couple books that I have found useful and interesting.
For a full list of recommended reading, visit my Bookshelf Page.
Clicking on the images will take you to the Amazon product page.
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This book did so much more just add words to my existing knowledge and experience, as I had expected. This book taught me things. This book changed the way that I think about relationships. All relationships, not just poly. I have spent the last two days lost in thought, re-evaluating a lot of my own choices and beliefs. And that’s good. That’s what a great book like this should do.
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Combines Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual and Training With Miss Abernathy in one deluxe volume.
Replete with updated resources and references, Erotic Slavehood will take its place among the basic BDSM reference manuals.
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Respected columnist and scene leader Rinella has carefully explored how BDSM relationships fit into real people's lives.
From that research, and his own two decades as an active leatherman, he has assembled this sensible, readable manual about how kinky relationships really work.
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“I Don’t Use Safewords”
That statement probably upsets some people. There are a lot of safeword advocates in the BDSM community, but if you give me a few moments, I can explain to you why safewords are more trouble (and more risk) then they’re worth.
In the last few days, since I posted this explanation of moral relativism on a forum, I have received a few email requests to clarify some points or respond to some other ideas, so I decided to expand on the subject with a few…
Counter-Arguments and Bad Examples
#1: It’s only wrong when other people do it. When I do it, it’s “subjective”. (Hypocrisy)
I recently read a post in an online forum wherein a person said that female circumcision is wrong in every circumstance, including an adult female who has requested the procedure. No one really challenged him on this assertion, but several others did pipe up with various acts that they believed were “wrong” or “immoral”. So I responded with my view on the subject, which as been modified and reproduced below.
(Not that it’s relevant or necessary for this discussion, but here’s a link to the wikipedia page on female genital mutilation if you don’t know what I’m talking about and feel like learning about a disturbing practice that is primarily performed on children in third world countries.)
Fair warning: What follows is a long rant on moral relativism, a concept that many people are intensely uncomfortable with. If you can’t read and/or respond to writing on this topic without being offended and getting rude, I suggest and encourage skipping it.
(Originally posted on 12/16/11. Modified From the Original Version and Formatted to Fit Your Screen)
This post is a re-write of a comment I wrote elsewhere on the intertubes. But I haven’t really talked about this here, so I wanted to crosspost.
When pressed, I identify as straight. I do so because I am not attracted to male-ness or masculinity. And I feel that sexual identity is based in your mind, not your behavior. I don’t actively desire sexual contact with men, so I don’t consider myself to be bisexual. I don’t even find the “hetro-flexible” label works for me because it’s not about the “right” man. I’m just not into them. (more…)
Fear is not a natural response to a stimulus. It is a learned response. It is the ability to recognize danger and then choose to flee from it or confront it.
We feel fear when the world has taught us that something is dangerous. That something is painful. That something should be avoided if possible.
It takes a long time to deprogram a fear, longer if that fear is deep-seated. So to suggest that a fear is something that someone should “get over” disregards the significant effort necessary.
Image from Futurity.org *
Ever wonder why people in a political party, who are ordinarily diverse and varied, all seem to hold the same opinions when it comes time to vote? Ever wonder why kinky people, who rant about society judging us, all seem to be so judgmental of each other?
Well, there is actually a science to this. Call it peer-pressure or conformity, but it is a fascinating subject either way.
Watch this video. It’s ten minutes long and will make you a better person. And he will tell you why it will make you a better person at 7:10 into the video. But don’t cheat and skip ahead. At about 5:50, start thinking about communities that you are a part of, whether kinky or political or hobby based. I bet you’ll recognize some things.
After you’ve watched the video, read the rest of this post for my favorite parts and a few extra thoughts.
It’s not just here in the kink community, t’s everywhere.
There’s this big need in some people to make everybody love each other and have big group hugs.
But since this is a kinky blog, I’m going to focus on the kinky problem.
Over the last few days, an anonymous person or group has started a push to bring “unity” to the community. And people are jumping on board because it sounds like an admirable goal.
The thing is that whole “communities” are never unified unless they are doing so to combat a shared threat. And that’s always how it is everywhere. The day after 9/11, everybody put up flags and Republicans and Democrats all hugged each other and passed the “let’s blow up Afghanistan” act nearly unanimously and within a matter of days. But sooner or later, when people stopped being scared, we went back to fighting with each other again about tax breaks and abortion.
The only way this community, the people of bdsm/kink/leather, are all going to come together as a single group is if a Senator puts a bill on the floor tomorrow that makes BDSM a criminal offense. Club membership will soar, everyone will donate a bunch of money and we’ll all show up and march to protect ourselves. But when the bill is defeated in a few weeks, we would all go back to our separate little huts until the next dragon comes along.
The only way we will ever have a functioning, cohesive one-world government that covers the entire globe is if aliens attack. Until then, we will continue to be a fragmented world.
And with even the smallest communities, such as the Denver kink scene. We will choose to spend our time with the people closest to our own ideologies and personalities. It doesn’t make us wrong, it doesn’t make us bad, it doesn’t mean that anything needs to change. We need to embrace and celebrate diversity by letting it run its course. We don’t have to all be in the same parties in order to respect each other.
We have our TNG parties because young people have a different energy to them and I like to spend some time immersed in that energy. That doesn’t mean that I can’t still appreciate the different but equally powerful energy of the elders in our community.
So please, stop trying to unify my community. I don’t want one big homogenized blob. I like how varied and special each individual group is. I like that I know I can get different things from different places.
Should we be sure to be inclusive and make sure that everyone has access to the education and support resources that are available, you bet!
But that doesn’t mean I have to like you or that you have to like me. And the notion that any amount of kumbaya is going to change that inherent fact is just ridiculous.
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