Mailbag Monday – July 21, 2014

Posted: July 21, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something

Here are some quick answers from to questions that I have received.

Or… In some cases, questions that someone asked in my general vicinity or somewhere on the internet. But I am answering them here, because that’s where I am.

The questions have been paraphrased or otherwise edited down to the essential details.

Do you Have a Question? Drop it at the Contact Me Page, or you can post to any of the social network platforms listed to the left. (Unless you are on your phone or something, in which case, you can find he list here.


Figging? Wtf>? … ?

I think this might be my favorite question of the month so far. So succinct and honest. Thank you Tumblr Anon.

Figging, according to some accounts, traces it’s origins to spanking parties in the Victorian era. The practice entails taking a large ginger root and carving it into the shape of an anal plug (important to ensure a nice, wide base that will keep it from going all the way inside the butt) and then inserting it into the sub, usually followed by spanking. On impact, the reflexive clench will squeeze juices out of the ginger and cause a burning sensation.

I have not experienced this myself by various people have I know have described it as anything mildly irritating to unbearable pain. I imagine it has something to do with the freshness of the root and the specific type, though I can’t say with certainty.


My SO and I decided to add the D/s dynamic to our relationship. We made out our list of rules and started learning together about how to make our dynamic work for us. Along with some other things he wanted me to write in my journal every Sunday. I was did it faithfully every week. One Sunday I wrote that I felt like I was doing the things he asked for no reason because he never acknowledged whether I did them or not. He never responded. I stopped writing in the journal and doing a few other things. About a month later I brought up that I hadn’t done anything I was supposed to be doing and that he hadn’t said anything about it. He told me that he didn’t want to do D/s anymore because I was inconsistent and he didn’t think I was serious about submitting. He says that I should have been doing what he told me to do whether or not there was reward or punishment. On one hand I understand that. On the other, I don’t see why expecting feedback is a bad thing. Am I wrong?

First of all, there is more to feedback than just rewards and punishments. But if you want to know about how important rewards and punishments are, check out the handout. That said, D/s relationships are still relationships. If it becomes too one-sides with one person contributing a lot and the other contributing very little, it will eventually fall apart, as you experienced.

Based on the small amount of detail, I would say that he was wrong to blame you for the failure. If he was “serious” about being your dominant, he would have taken care to ensure that you were getting what you needed, too. Because that’s what a relationship is, two (or more) people taking care or each other’s needs.

In future D/s relationships, I would encourage you to ensure that feedback (whatever type of feedback it is that you need) is something that you negotiate for before you begin, because it is absolutely important.

In the Sink (Single Kink)

I’ll keep this short and sweet. I’ve had a few kinks that I’ve been obsessed with lately (e.g. consensual non-consent, wax play, spanking etc.) and I find as a single guy, it’s hard to fulfill some of my various fetishes/kinks. How do people not in a monogamous relationship satisfy their desires?

First of all, I’m not sure what monogamy has to do with this. I think what you meant to say was, “How do people not in a relationship satisfy their desires?”

I know I say this every week, but the best way to meet people is to get off of your computer and go meet people. I would recommend getting on FetLife, where you will find local groups for almost every area and hopefully a local gathering that you can attend, whether that is a play party, or discussion group, or casual munch. There are also groups on there for every interest imaginable and lots of helpful folks willing to give pointers.

Get out there and find someone who likes to do what you like to do. Go to classes on the things that you like, chances are good there will be at least one available person there who also likes it. Participate actively in discussions. People like that you are more than a personal ad. Ask questions, express opinions, organize a kinky poker night.

In short, go out and meet people.

But in the mean time, until you find that special someone who will let you light them on fire every night, or whatever it is that you like, there is nothing stopping you from more casual relationships. Every community is a little different, but in most places, it is very common for people to have play partners that they don’t have any other relationship with. People with similar interests who will play together at the parties, but otherwise not be involved in each other’s lives. There is nothing wrong with that. But again, you have to be out where the people are in order to find it.

Do you have a question that you want answered in the Monday Mailbag? Drop it in the comments or send it to us through the Contact Us page.

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