Advice for Novices: Red Folder

Posted: June 27, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something, Life Log

I have reached a point, now, where I can speak about sex and BDSM with even vanilla people without much reservation or embarrassment. But it wasn’t always that way.

When we first started out, my partner and I would often have trouble saying allowed the things that we fantasized about. That’s a problem, because it keeps you from getting the things you want. So we devised a way to communicate with each other. And in the years since, we have shared this idea with others who have also been able to use it to help their relationships.

So here it is, the Red Folder.

In the beginning, all those years ago, we used as actual folder, that was red. The left side was mine and the right side was hers.

Whenever one of us would have a dream or fantasy that we wanted to share with the other person, but might not be willing to say aloud, we would simply write it out on a piece of notebook paper and leave it in the folder. The other person would then read it at some point in the future, when they are alone.

The only rule was that the person reading the fantasy would never talk about it, unless they intended to do it. The reason for this is to foster a low-pressure, safe space for the expression of fantasies, no matter how abnormal or kinky they might be, without having to see your partners initial reaction to the idea or feeling ashamed.

If, as the reader, it’s not something you are willing to do with them, that’s fine. Again, no pressure. You simply never bring it up. But if you are willing to do it, then you also have the advantage that they can never really be sure if you’ve even read it or not, so you can surprise them with it, if you want. But if you need to ask them some follow up question about it, you can either do that in person, or you can leave notes on their original write up for them to respond to.

In general, it is the submissive/bottom partners that tend to make the most use of the folder and leave the most notes, but there is certainly no reason that the dominant/top partner can’t take advantage of the chance to share something as well. And if the other person is interested, they just have to say so.

Now. Again, this physical folder was how it started, but since then, we moved online. You can set up a blog on any number of sites and restrict the access so that only the two (or more) of you can access it. We still call it the red folder. But it is mostly abandoned.

Over time, these things will be less difficult to talk about in person. That is the goal. Our red folder hasn’t been used in years. But it was one of the most important tools in our early exploration. And perhaps it can help you, too.

  1. […] other way that I get continuous consent is through a tool that I call the “Red Folder“, which provides my partner with the opportunity to share their desires and fantasies with me […]

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