Mailbag Monday – Young Kinksters, Switches, and Disrespectful Doms

Posted: June 23, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something

We’re up to 121 followers. Woohoo. Please be sure to share this post if you find it interesting or helpful.

Now, it’s Monday, so here are some quick answers to questions that I have received.

Or… In some cases, questions that someone asked in my general vicinity or somewhere on the internet. But I am answering them here, because that’s where I am.

The questions have been paraphrased or otherwise edited down to the essential details.

Do you Have a Question? Drop it at the Contact Me Page, or you can post to any of the social network platforms listed to the left. (Unless you are on your phone or something, in which case, you can find he list here.

 

Young and Reaching Out

We are a young D/s couple who up until now have only involved bdsm into our sex life.
We want to push this out to an everyday dynamic. However we need tips and idea of things to do in order to make this work. For example wearing a collar at all times (discreet in public). Do you have any ideas for us? How would you get your D/S more involved ? What kinda things would you want to do? How would you go about it ?

I am not sure how you define “younger”. I am 28 and have been playing since I was 19.

A collar is fine if the sub has a job where that is acceptable. Websites like http://www.ringofsteel.net/ sell neck, wrist, and ankle rings that as simple enough that most workplaces would have no problem with them.

But it certainly doesn’t have to be an actual collar. Any physical reminder of you and her place in service to you will suffice. A special ring or bracelet works well, as do more hidden things, like genital adornments.

If you are able to get out into your local community, do so. That is the best place to learn and pick up ideas.

When I started playing, the clubs/events in my area were all 21+ so it was a couple years before I was able to get out into the public community. Your local area may also have specialized groups that cater to specific interests or demographics. If there is a TNG group in your area, I always highly recommend them for younger folk. TNG groups usually limit attendance at parties to those under 36 years old, which can make the environment more welcoming and less threatening for young/new people. Fetlife.com is a great resource for finding events in your area.

Read as much as you can. BDSM stories or porn can be good for inspiration, but always remember that they are fiction and the things they do may not be safe in real life. For non-fiction, I have a list of recommended books here: https://xcbdsm.com/bookshelf

Make sure that you are giving attention, not just to interesting little ideas or types of play, but also to the larger scope of what you are doing when you take power exchange out of the bedroom and into your day to day lives. It is going to have an emotional impact on both of you and change the way you see the world. There are a ton of great books on the subject, but I personally recommend:

Partners in Power, by Jack Rinella

Slavecraft, by Guy Balwin

The Loving Dominant, by John and Libby Warren

The Master’s Manual, by Jack Rinella

The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy

The Ultimate Guide to Kink, by Tristan Taormino and others

and finally

Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

Switches, Part 2

Hi! I’m a switch, but fall more naturally to being a sub. My boyfriend is usually the dom in our scenes. However, we both think it would be really sexy for me to dom it up every once in a while. Occasionally I can be super sexy and dominant, but I usually just make him say things like, “Oh my gosh. You are too adorable.” How do I make him my bitch? Thanks ❤

I am a switch as well, and I know how difficult it can be to shift a dynamic on it’s head. I’ll start by recommending all the usual books, (See the list in the answer above).

With that out of the way, here are some things that have helped my partners and I when we switch.

First, there is something physical to mark the change. She will kneel in front of me and I will remove her collar, then she will stand and I will kneel so that she can put on mine. That physical shift alone can be very powerful and help to internalize the change.

If a collar isn’t enough, make the shift more drastic. Ban him from wearing clothes in the house when you are in charge. Or better yet, buy a special outfit for him that is only worn when he is in service to you. Building those associations and mental cues go a long way.

Language is very important. You don’t have to be commanding to be dominant, but you do have to have patterns that reinforce the power dynamic. SO if he says something like “OMG, you are too adorable.” there should be an immediate consequence. Because if you allow him to say demeaning things to you, it will prevent him from fully assuming the submissive role, and it sounds like it is interfering with you being able to take the dominant role as well.

Little language changes can go a long way. Prohibit them from saying “no” to you. I have required them to use this language instead for yes or no questions, like “Would you like to go see ‘Maleficent’ tonight?”

For yes, they say “If it pleases you.”
For no, they say “Only if it pleases you.”

This language allows them to express their desire, but still gives deference to YOUR desires.

Finally, little things that shake up their routine and require them to be more mindful or to rely on you for things can be very helpful. On the top of that list is a chastity device. Very little will bring out the sub in a man like losing control of their genitals. But other things can include requiring them to sleep on the opposite side of the bed or not in the bed at all. Or requiring them to bring an outfit to you for approval before putting it on.

Cut holes in the pockets of your partner’s pants and tie their wrists together through the holes. Then go shopping and to dinner. They cannot remove their hands from their pockets so they are completely dependent on you and at your whim. When you eat dinner, they have to ask you each time they want a bite of food, and you feed them.

No one thing will make dominance real for either of you. It will take a commitment to the switch and an accumulation of lots of litle things to give the dynamic power.

Newby Advice

I’m a newly realized female sub exploring what has so far been a very exciting and pleasurable new world. The dom who turned me on has much more experience than I do and is very clear about what he wants from me. He has also made clear that he has no respect for his subs and does not view them as his equals.

It wasn’t during play, but rather during a conversation in which I was telling him that I was starting to feel emotionally attached to him, which I felt was integral to my willingness to be his sub. (He had previously said that he does not get emotionally attached to his subs.) During this conversation, he said that he could never treat someone he loved as a sub and could never love a sub because of the respect issue.

This attitude is a huge turn on while we’re playing, but I’m struggling with it when we’re not playing. After our last particularly intense session, I felt very raw emotionally and didn’t understand why. I’ve been reading online since and realized that my reaction may have been because I didn’t receive the right aftercare to transition out of the scene properly.

Since I’m so new to this, I am wondering whether this is just him or does being a dom and having no respect for your sub (IRL and play) go hand in hand? Any insight would be much appreciated.

“does being a dom and having no respect for your sub (IRL and play) go hand in hand?”

Absolutely not! I have immense respect for anyone who is willing to submit to me. I usually seek out strong, powerful, independent women. It makes that gesture of surrender so much more powerful.

It is one thing for him to treat you as if he has no respect for you, if that is what you have negotiated. But if he genuinely doesn’t respect you, then you need to get out of that relationship and find someone who does.

Degradation during play can be hot. But if you are not enjoying it the rest of the time, if that is not what you want, then he is not the right match for you. There are people who want that type of treatment 24/7. If you are not one of them, then you shouldn’t be with him.

Based on your description of the relationship, this person is abusive and dangerous.

I have met a lot of doms who take the approach of being emotionally distant from their subs and not having any relationship beyond the dynamic. But I have never seen one of those relationships last longer than about six months.

Being emotionally abandoned, especially after a scene when aftercare is so important, is going to do damage in the long run. Think hard about what you really want, and if you are not getting it with your current partner, then it’s time to find a new one that will care about your needs and ensure they are met.


That’s it for this week. Be sure to contact me if you have questions and follow me everywhere for other posts, comments, advice, and updates.

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