Mailbag Monday

Posted: June 2, 2014 by Isaac Cross in Advice, Learn Something

Let’s try something new. Quick answers from to questions that I have received.

Or… In some cases, questions that someone asked in my general vicinity or somewhere on the internet. But I am answering them here, because that’s where I am.

The questions have been paraphrased or otherwise edited down to the essential details.

Do you Have a Question? Drop it at the Contact Me Page, or you can post to any of the social network platforms listed to the left. (Unless you are on your phone or something, in which case, you can find he list here.


Talking to My Boyfriend About Kink

Over the past couple of months have started to have regular sex with my new boyfriend, we are both very open with each other, and comfortable talking about sex, but I find every time I almost discuss with him my (EXTREMELY strong) desire to include some D/s role play into sex, I just chicken out.

I feel like he won’t react well, or think differently of me, and it really worries me. This is my first time being with someone I feel emotionally safe with, and I don’t want to ruin it.

Another issue I’ve been having a lot recently is that I’d really like to tell the people in my life that I’m bisexual, and tell at least the close ones I’m into this community, and again I’m worried they will treat me differently/lose respect, and I don’t know how to go about expressing myself to them while still feeling safe.

“someone I feel emotionally safe with, and I don’t want to ruin it”

I totally get this feeling. But it comes down to a judgement call. Is being with them forever more important to you than never telling them what you really want/like sexually. If the answer is no, then it is better to tell them sooner rather than later. Because the more invested or committed you are, the harder it will be and the more you will stand to lose if it goes badly.

As for everyone else in your life, the choice to be “out” as anything is always a personal one. I came out to my family as poly (non-monogamous) because I was not ok with my partners not being included in family functions. There was a risk that they would not be ok with it. And in fact, they aren’t. But I made it clear that if they wanted me to continue coming to family functions then my entire family needed to be welcome.

My close friends also know, but most of the rest of the world does not. That’s where I decided to have the line. But it’s a decision you have to make for yourself based on the risks/benefits of either choice. Ultimately, if you hope to have a long-term relationship with a girl one day, the subject is going to have to be addressed, eventually. most people don’t like being their partner’s secret.

What I can tell you with certainty is that anyone you hope to have a close, intimate relationship with deserves to know all of you. And sooner is better than later. Waiting too long adds the extra issues of “hiding” and “dishonesty” to the mix. I’m not saying you have to spill it all on the first date, but if things are getting serious, you should tell ’em.

As for the approach. You could try to ease them into it. Tell them you’d like it if they took more control in the bedroom or suggest playing with a few toys. See if they are into it. Or, you can go all out. Write them a letter telling them how you feel and what you like and some websites to get more information if they want or need it and then wait for them to be ready to talk about it. You might be surprised to learn that they already have a fetlife profile and were worried about how to tell you.

Or, unfortunately, they might freak out about, might not understand, and might choose to end the relationship. That could happen. But if D/s is an important thing to you and something that you want out of a relationship, than it’s worth it to move on from a relationship that isn’t the right fit and go find the one that is.

How Do Switches Do It?

I’m quite thoroughly submissive, and the thought of switching, which I’ve seen many people are interested in/practice, is… impossible to me. I cannot imagine myself even attempting to dominate my SO, and I feel like I would not enjoy it in the least bit. Don’t get me wrong, I find people who do so very respectable! You’re catering to your own needs and the needs of your partner, which is great.

My question is, how do you do it? Is it just a switch of mentality? Is it easy to do? Are there times when you feel like doing one over the other? Thanks!

D/s and S&M are different things.

I know lots of people that are absolutely submissive. They are never dominant with anyone. But give them the opportunity and they will Top someone and can be sadistic as hell, frightening even.

A lot of people I know who identify as switches are generally either dominant or submissive, but will occasionally top/bottom without a power dynamic.

As for me, I am generally a dominant in my day to day life, but sometimes I need some time of not being in charge. I need to surrender and let someone else make the choices for a while.

There is only one person that I will submit to in that way, to give entire control over my life. She also happens to be my slave. She does this as a service to me, because it is something that I need. She does not identify as a switch. She is incredibly service oriented. She derives pleasure from being able to fulfill the needs of others. She offers that service.

That’s my perspective. I know there are many others.

Newby Advice

I’ve just started dating a girl that is really trying to get me into BDSM and I’m fully willing to give it a try, but as I’m COMPLETELY new to this particular kink, I am askin’: what are good websites to help me? What are common ideas and tricks of this particular trade?

Please Help. Literally have no idea what to do.

Those are all great websites with lots of comprehensive information on various aspects of BDSM. On the Bookself Page, I have three different “beginners” books which might be helpful as well.

It also partially depends on which side of the paddle you are on. A lot of sites are oriented exclusively toward subs/doms.

If you are on the submissive side, I cannot recommend highly enough.

Either way, the first website you should go to is FetLife, there are groups on there for every interest imaginable and lots of helpful folks willing to give pointers.

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