-*- Day 31 -*-
On October 4th, I gave up the reigns. For the first time in my adult life, I completely surrendered to another person.
In the month since then, My life has changed drastically, as you may imagine. Before now, the longest I had been in service continuously was a couple of weeks. I encountered some challenges, but I always knew that I would have my power, my control back soon. This time, that is not the case, and it has impacted my outlook and approach significantly.
Shortly before I turned over control, I changed my orientation on fetlife to “Sub” and wrote this on my profile:
Woah! What’s going on here?!?!?
Relationships and D/s statuses are all akimbo.
Yes, those of you who know my family and me have probably noticed something amiss. Well, you are right. Things are all Topsy-Turvy.
Despite my normal role as dominant to both of my partners and head of our household, I will be in service as a submissive for six months or so (beginning on Oct. 4, 2013), living by the very same rules that I have set in place for current and future servants.
This is an important step as we continue to establish our house and prepare to grow as a family. Based heavily on the teachings of Master Skip Chasey and others, we believe that every role in a consensual power-exchange relationship is ultimately one of service, even when you are in the Dominant position. In this spirit, I will require any future members of the house to go through a period of service (around 6 months) prior to joining the house, regardless of what role they will eventually take on.
I cannot expect this (or other rules and standards) of our future members if I am not willing to go through the same.
I have trusted Lilith to act as my owner during this time, and she will have full and complete authority over me and our house until this particular journey is complete.
What does that mean for all of you fine folk?
Well, for starters, all of my play with others is going to be restricted and completely up to her. So any of you who have played with me in the past or someone that I play with on any regular basis, you’ll have to talk to her. That said, my understanding is that I will not be permitted to top for scene’s during my service.
What about normal social interaction? Feel free to interact with me as usual, including both online and in person. It’s not your responsibility to know what my protocols are, and no one expects you to. If I am restricted from speaking to or communicating with others, I (or she) will let you know at the time. If you ever have any questions with interacting with me, just send a message to Lilith.
I do still have responsibilities and commitments to various individuals, organizations, and events within our community. As far as I know, I will still be able to fulfill those commitments. If that is not true for any reason, we will be sure to let you know.
Here’s a big one: Please tell on me. My complete immersion is important to me, and my goal is to never leave my adopted role as a submissive. If you ever feel that my conduct is inappropriate or you have enough familiarity with us to know when I am not following the established rules, please let Lilith know. It is important that I be held accountable and not find any refuge with my friends
How do I feel about this?
I’m scared shitless. I know that I am going to be pushed to the edge of (and potentially beyond) my limits. I have asked for this, but that isn’t making it easier.
What am I hoping to accomplish?
Well, several things, actually. As I stated before, I want to live in my own rules, real time so that I can experience the things that I will expect of others. But there are several secondary aims, as well. For one, there are some personal goals that I am hoping to use this period of high accountability to achieve. These include my personal health and fitness; another is some skill development. Finally, I am hoping that this time of relative isolation will give me the chance to deal with a few mental and emotional issues which I have put off handling for a long time. All in all, I am hoping to come out the other end as and better, more balanced person.
When will I be done
That’s not up to me. Based on the specific goals and benchmarks set my Lilith (some of which I will not be made aware of before hand), we are estimating a six month period. But I will not return to my dominant position until she has decided that my progress is sufficient. She will be the sole judge of that.
Am I a Submissive?
The short answer is, no. I have marked my profile that way, because I want people to know that I am in a submissive *ROLE*. However, I generally identify as a switch and the long-term role that I will be assuming will be dominant… predominantly.
If there are any other questions, just ask. I don’t bite without permission.
In many ways, though, this is completely new. While I had certain service tasks that were assigned to me previously, I never really had chores or protocols of any regularity. Now, I most certainly do. And I have found that adjustment to be much more difficult than I anticipated.
I have been keeping a journal, but much of what is in it is not appropriate to publish publicly. However, I can say that the balance, for me, has been more struggle than pleasure so far. That is, I think, to be expected for someone who does not identify as a submissive.
My most consistent and ongoing challenge, which I have not yet overcome, relates to systems and efficiency. At my core, I am an analyst. I look at situations and organizations and behavior and laws and I determine the ways that they are flawed and what could be done to make the more efficient and effective. But I often forget that, while in service to another, that is not necessarily the priority. When they want something done a particular way, it doesn’t matter if that way is the most efficient. What matters is that it is the way they want it. Even today, I had a battle with this, as I tried to argue a more systematic approach to chores. I had to be dressed down and reminded that it isn’t my place to determine the method or means, but to do as directed.
Control has always been a touching point for me. As erotic and exciting as it is to give it up for short periods, I ultimately want to be in control, to have the final say. Having that stripped away has been an exercise of endurance for me. Everything is out of my hands. She controls everything. My hairstyle (shoulder length hair was shaved off the night I began my service) or my clothes (all but a few articles of clothing were confiscated) or my how I spend my time.
I have resisted it at times, and tested the boundaries at times, but Lilith has pulled me back and kept me grounded, even during times of great weakness when I lash out in some way or another. She has shown immense patience and I am grateful to her for doing something well outside of her own comfort. In fact, she is more out of her element than I am, since I at least identify as a switch. But she has done better in her role, I think, than I have in mine.
Which isn’t to say that I like or approve of everything she has done. I don’t. But part of this learning experience is in letting go of what I would do or how I would do it, and accept the choices she makes.
One month in, and that is still a daily struggle for me. I would like to say that I am getting better, but I don’t know. What I do know is that I trust her, and I believe in her. She will not let me fail. She will not be satisfied with anything less than my best.
As my second month begins, I hope to approach it with renewed commitment and a better attitude, accepting responsibility for the failures of the past and actively working to prevent failure in the future.
This has been a very hard month. But I hope to find a path through all these new emotions and challenges, and to live up to the person I know I can be, and that I should be.
As of Day 31, I don’t think I am passing this test. But Day 32 begins tomorrow, and that is an occasion. Here’s hoping I can rise to it.