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Below are a couple books that I have found useful and interesting.
For a full list of recommended reading, visit my Bookshelf Page.
Clicking on the images will take you to the Amazon product page.
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This book did so much more just add words to my existing knowledge and experience, as I had expected. This book taught me things. This book changed the way that I think about relationships. All relationships, not just poly. I have spent the last two days lost in thought, re-evaluating a lot of my own choices and beliefs. And that’s good. That’s what a great book like this should do.
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Combines Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual and Training With Miss Abernathy in one deluxe volume.
Replete with updated resources and references, Erotic Slavehood will take its place among the basic BDSM reference manuals.
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Respected columnist and scene leader Rinella has carefully explored how BDSM relationships fit into real people's lives.
From that research, and his own two decades as an active leatherman, he has assembled this sensible, readable manual about how kinky relationships really work.
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A Related Writing From January
I’m not the internet police, nor do I try to be. So I don’t to go around Fetlife reporting people for posting pictures that don’t belong to them, nor do I get all up in arms about it on a regular basis, though I do occasionally participate in the discussions, usually just to correct some misconceptions about the law. But I do notice when a person’s profile has a high volume of photos that aren’t theirs, and I don’t like it. (more…)
Written By Fox
From the Kinky Sprinkles Blog
(Posted here with permission from the author)
I have written, and re-written this post about a dozen times. I love to share my knowledge of BDSM with others, to better the community and to better myself. When it comes to talking about my own mistakes and issues, the words don’t quite flow the way I want them to. I even considered never writing about this, just keeping it wrapped up in a little ball of self loathing in my chest. I was hurt in play that wasn’t well negotiated. The two tops I played with are people I love and care about very much. The event destroyed me. I was crippled by anxiety, depression and embarrassment that I had let something like that happen. This writing is still very raw, and probably won’t flow quite like some of my other writings do.
In my local scene I have been known to be rough and tumble. I am the tough bottom. When I bottom I am neither submissive nor well behaved. There is something to be said for acknowledging that no matter how strong someone is, we as humans are fragile creatures. I pride myself in trying to be a solid communicator, and setting my boundaries well. Well, I slipped up. Some casual nudging turned into full blown play. Two tops who I have negotiated with, and played with countless times before (I have spoken with both of them about this event). Who they are doesn’t really matter for the content of this writing. I don’t mean to shame them, hurt them or ruin their position in our community at all. This post is about me, and all the could haves and should haves and lessons to be learned. (more…)
“Just.”
We use this word… a lot.
I know I sure used to. Just a little late, just a small dent, just a little bigger, just, just, just. It’s a qualifier that signals that something is… less than. Not as important, inconsequential. And it’s this feeling of dismissiveness that’s led me to seriously, carefully consider when I use this word in conversation. I catch myself and others all the time- “Is she just your friend? Is he just your boss? They’re just a secondary, right?” Or, my absolute most hated- “You’re just a submissive.” ” You’re just a top”. (more…)
I see this question, or something like it, very often.
“How do you protect your relationship when you open it to others? How do you make sure that you don’t lose what you have to someone else? How do you deal with the pain of seeing that your partner is happier with someone else than they seem to be with you.”
Well, first and foremost, I want to make sure to acknowledge that pain is real. I don’t want anything that I am about to say to invalidate that or anything.
However.
I don’t value the relationship itself and I don’t do anything to protect it or preserve it. As long as the relationship serves the interests of the people, the relationship will endure all by itself. If the costs of the relationship outweigh the benefits, then it needs to either be re-negotiated or ended. Because, to quote a book, “The people in the relationship are more important than the relationship.” (more…)
Image used in compliance with Creative Commons 3.0 License
Recently, an individual posted a journal entry claiming to be a “no-limits, 24/7 slave” to her Master. She was upset, because at a recent discussion group, she was told by a number of members of the group that there was no such thing as a “no-limits slave” and in fact that the expectation of 24/7-365 is unrealistic and a path to misery. She was upset about this because, from her perspective, they were denying her reality and failing to acknowledge the way that she expresses her submission.
(An undercurrent tone in her post suggested that she ascribed to the notion that “slave” and submissives are two totally separate groups that do not overlap, which I do not agree with, but that is another rant.)
Here is what I think.
I think the question of realistic expectations is important to understand and I think the person who raised that concern is correct. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the original person was wrong. (more…)
In a recent statement by a person describing their experience with consent violations, they described how the top in the scene had ignored her limits, attempted to renegotiate the scene while she was in subspace, and ignored her saying “no”. She blamed herself for not using a safeword.
So here is me asking, begging, pleading with everyone to please take safewords off of the pedestal. (more…)
Editors Note: This article was written by our new contributor, KC, who will bring to XCBDSM the perspective of a female slave. We’re excited to have a new voice. You can find KC’s bio here. If you have something to say and are interested in writing for XCBDSM, click here.
I remember my mother once saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
This old saying was meant to keep young girls from living “in sin” with a man. The expectation was that you meet someone, date, marry and live happily ever after. While marriage is a still considered a cornerstone for a relationship structure today, people can now obtain a divorce with ease. Since there is now far less stigma attached to having even multiple divorces, walking away from a relationship is not unusual, even if you are living together or married. In fact, many now choose to live together without being married in order to ease the end of such relationships.
Why would someone go into a relationship planning their break up? How can a person who has the “happily ever after” mantra in their head keep one foot out the door, just in case? That is not how people have been taught to prepare for their “ever after.”
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