Primary Rights Don’t Exist

Posted: February 17, 2019 by Isaac Cross in Uncategorized

In a poly group, a person posted asking [paraphrased] “if I’m the primary, shouldn’t I have the right to sex without a condom instead of other people.”

A discussion ensued debating whether the primary is entitled to that specific right or what the specific wording of their negotiated rule was, etc.

My response was:

First of all, if your main concern is sexual health, then you should use condoms with everyone, including your primary. If you are willing to do something less than that, then you’ve decided you happiness is more important that sexual health and that’s the standard you’ve established.

Second, y’all talk about “primary” like it’s a real thing with defined “rights”.

It isn’t.

It’s something a bunch of people made up so that they were allowed to go have outside sex but still keep control over their partner. So they didn’t have to deal with the obvious insecurity and lack of trust in their relationship.

Because if your relationship is solid, you trust each other, and you respect each other, then you don’t need primary rights, rules, or restrictions.

If you find yourself asking questions about what you are entitled to as a primary, it’s a great sign that their are much deeper problems with your relationship that you should probably resolve before bleeding your problems onto innocent and unsuspecting outside partners.

You have a right to say “if you have unprotected sex with others, then you may not have unprotected sex with me”.

You have a right to say, “having unprotected sex with you is important to me, so please don’t compromise that.”

You do not have the right to tell them how they are allowed to have sex with others just because you met them first.

If they agree to a “rule”, they have the right to revoke their agreement or renegotiate it whenever they want.

If they break it without telling you, that’s a problem, especially if it’s something that could compromise your safety. But I didn’t see anything in this discussion that implied that’s what happened.

Instead, it sounds like someone decided to reassert their control over their own body and the OP is upset because they think they own that part of him now.

But they don’t.

So they should either accept that and talk to them like an autonomous adult to find way forward that will make both of you happy or leave and find someone so insecure that they will do anything to appease you, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness or the right to control their own body.

But the TLDR is that there is no such thing as primary rights. It’s not a real thing.

So the basic answer to the original post is just a simple “NO”.

Comments
  1. NinjaKhaat says:

    This is great, thank you so much for this!

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