One of my favorite things to do is covert public play. In my search for the perfect vibe to help me out in my slutty quest, I’ve wasted some serious money on some shitty remote vibes. This, sadly, was just the latest to disappoint.
I’ve had the crazy-weak gigantic bullet type that was so bulky as to make me walk penguin-like. I’ve had teeny vibes that burned through batteries like a Coloradan through a half ounce. So in my search, I recently had a purchasing spree at Fascinations. I bought one type only to have it not be powerful enough (watch batteries instead of AAA’s) and it died quickly, exchanged for the “right” type that was stronger and longer lasting. But unfortunately I broke that one with my apparently Hulk-strength vagina as I was taking it out by pulling the antenna/ retrieval cord out of it.
My dominant had told me about this cool new vibe that worked via Bluetooth connection: the Ohmibod Blue Motion Nex1. At $130 it’s hardly the cheapest option at the sex toy shop, but it’s promised abilities were extremely exciting.
Instead of an included hand-held remote, it works via Bluetooth and a $5 app, so you are able to have your vibe controlled by a partner via Google+ anywhere in the world by inviting them to “play” like you would with any games app on your phone. There is a free version of the app, but it only allows you to connect via Bluetooth, so the vibrator and phone must be in range of each other and paired. Long distance control requires both the vibe-wearer and the person (or people) controlling it to install the $5 version of the app.
All this sounds super hot, and if it worked as promised, it would be the ideal sex toy. The sales rep showed me the app on her phone in the store and it made me really excited to try out the toy. Besides pre-programmed vibration patterns, you were able to create your own movement based off tilting your phone, or by tapping the screen as it “listened” to your finger strokes and vibrated accordingly.
It didn’t work like that. At all.
Over the course of a month I tried it with two different partners, one of whom had an iPhone and one with a Samsung Galaxy. We tried connection over both 3G and 4g cell networks, as well as on several different strong wifi connections. The connection literally only worked well one time with someone else. Even using it solo via wifi, the connection was weak and spotty. Having it in my crotch was enough to block the signal and made it so I was constantly having to take it out, push the button and re-pair it with my phone. Hardly ideal for a public setting.
Beyond that, it drove me batty spending twenty minutes trying to connect with a partner, only to connect for 30 seconds and have it drop and have to try reconnect for another ten minutes. Eventually one day at lunch we just gave up on the thing. I actually found that the vibe worked “best” responding to my phone’s incidental notifications; it vibrated each time I got a text or call in place of the phone’s normal sounds. That feature was fun and interesting, but hardly made up for not being able to use it’s intended function.
The thing is a small, slightly curved piece of silicone and plastic that is designed to fit neatly into a pouch sewn into the front of the one-size-fits-all blue panties that come with it. If the signal is so weak when you’re wearing it correctly, what are you supposed to do to make it better?? And it doesn’t have any other option for controlling it- there simply is no physical remote, just the app that you have to pay an extra $5 for.
On top of all that, the vibrations were pretty weak and weren’t nearly enough to actually get me anywhere. Which, honestly, tends to be a bit of an issue with most remote vibes for me, but the BlueMotion vibe was exceptionally weak.
I really, really wanted this to work. But it left me so frustrated and annoyed (and not in a fun, sexy way) that I returned it to Fascinations. Kudos to them, by the way, for their stellar “30 days with receipt” return policy. Y’all rock. You might be pricey, but I feel confident buying toys from you.
So my hunt for the perfect remote vibe continues; I just got the Hanky Panky remote vibe from Pure Romance; well see how that does and I’ll write a review once I’ve gotten the chance to try ‘er out more…extensively.
Jordyn is XCBDSM’s newest addition to the writing team. Check out her bio here.